Tuesday Night Ramblings

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks about how I've come to be in this particular place I'm at now. I've always viewed life as a hamster maze. I'm the hamster and I've traveled this path of closed doors and dead end streets for the vast majority of my life. Every time I've hit one of these dead ends or closed doors, I always readjust, find a new path and so on and so on. However, depending on the type of closed door, I have a difficult time readjusting. Now is one of those moments. Adjusting to my circumstances and surroundings seems to be an insurmountable task. The woman who always had a backup plan, the woman who never let anything hold her down, is being held down. I feel like a bird with its wings clipped. I find myself to be frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and annoyed.

I dislike when my heart and mind are in a struggle. My heart knows what it wants but my mind knows what I need. I think that's the problem with most people, we let our hearts override our minds. At this given point in time, I'd gladly shoot my heart, lay it to rest and go on with my life heartless. It seems like the heartless ones are those that always come out on top. Maybe if I didn't care so much, I'd be able to brush of the nonsense and move on. Maybe living my life according to the golden rule was a mistake. It's done nothing but make me "weak" in the eyes of  some people. I hate hurting the feelings of others, however, in an attempt to save them from sadness, my feelings get trampled.

The problem isn't that I don't love myself. Deep down inside, I know I'm a beautiful person. I love who I am. I don't want to change me to fit society. The problem is, I get frustrated with NOT having the coping skills to deal with people. I don't tell people no. I don't stick up for myself. I let too many people take advantage of the giving side of me.  It's a shame when one feels like they have to become an uncaring individual in order to get any place in life. I refuse to let the world steal my sparkle. I am who I am and will remain who I am.

Just for one day I'd like save my heart from sadness. I'd like to be the one who walks away with no scars or scratches. But, how does one go about doing that without changing who they are? I bear the weight of 40 years of scars on my mind, body and soul. At any given point in time, it's too much to carry. Right now, it's too much.  

My goal out of life is to just be happy. If I could, for one moment in time, just be happy, everything would have been worth it.