Tuesday Night Ramblings

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks about how I've come to be in this particular place I'm at now. I've always viewed life as a hamster maze. I'm the hamster and I've traveled this path of closed doors and dead end streets for the vast majority of my life. Every time I've hit one of these dead ends or closed doors, I always readjust, find a new path and so on and so on. However, depending on the type of closed door, I have a difficult time readjusting. Now is one of those moments. Adjusting to my circumstances and surroundings seems to be an insurmountable task. The woman who always had a backup plan, the woman who never let anything hold her down, is being held down. I feel like a bird with its wings clipped. I find myself to be frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and annoyed.

I dislike when my heart and mind are in a struggle. My heart knows what it wants but my mind knows what I need. I think that's the problem with most people, we let our hearts override our minds. At this given point in time, I'd gladly shoot my heart, lay it to rest and go on with my life heartless. It seems like the heartless ones are those that always come out on top. Maybe if I didn't care so much, I'd be able to brush of the nonsense and move on. Maybe living my life according to the golden rule was a mistake. It's done nothing but make me "weak" in the eyes of  some people. I hate hurting the feelings of others, however, in an attempt to save them from sadness, my feelings get trampled.

The problem isn't that I don't love myself. Deep down inside, I know I'm a beautiful person. I love who I am. I don't want to change me to fit society. The problem is, I get frustrated with NOT having the coping skills to deal with people. I don't tell people no. I don't stick up for myself. I let too many people take advantage of the giving side of me.  It's a shame when one feels like they have to become an uncaring individual in order to get any place in life. I refuse to let the world steal my sparkle. I am who I am and will remain who I am.

Just for one day I'd like save my heart from sadness. I'd like to be the one who walks away with no scars or scratches. But, how does one go about doing that without changing who they are? I bear the weight of 40 years of scars on my mind, body and soul. At any given point in time, it's too much to carry. Right now, it's too much.  

My goal out of life is to just be happy. If I could, for one moment in time, just be happy, everything would have been worth it.  

I'm a Mother. It's what I do.

Feeling like even though I'm doing all the right things, I'm always made out to be the bad guy. I haven't done anything to anyone but still, I'm to blame. I was told that I need to take a long look at myself in the mirror. Well, I did. Do you want to know what I saw? I saw a woman who loves her kids. A woman, who contrary to popular belief, is capable of making good decisions. When no one wanted to help me. When I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads, I did it... alone. I begged. I borrowed. I prayed. But I did it. Those four little kids are who they are because of ME. I did it. I sacrificed. No one else. Me. How dare anyone tell me I'm the mother I am because of money. When I had no money, I was the only person they had. No one was paying me to sit down every night and help them with homework. No one paid me to take them to the doctor. No one paid me to take Nate to football. No one paid me to get Isaiah a speech therapist. No one paid me to help Elijah through his depression. No one paid me hug Jaliyah a little bit tighter the night she was violated. I did it free of charge because I'm a mommy and it's what I do. It's my obligation. I'm a mother. It's who I am. You would think that the news I got would have them rejoicing but alas, it has them lashing out. Nothing is going according to their plan. It all backfired.  All the allegations have been proven unfounded. There's nothing keeping me from getting my babies back. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't party. I don't go to clubs. I cook. I clean. I do homework. I wash clothes. I'm a mother. It's what I do. I don't ask for compensation.  I don't expect compensation. I gave birth to them. They're mine. God blessed me with them because I was the best Mommy for the job. Before you tell me to look in the mirror, remember, when you start pointing fingers, there's one pointing at me but three pointing back at you.
I'll never let you take away my proudest accomplishments. I was a single mother, raising 5 kids on my own. No child support. No father who wanted to be involved. No one... but me. You can insult my character. You can insult my morals and values, but don't you ever insult my capabilities as a mother. You may be able to buy them all the greatest toys. You can make sure they have the coolest clothes and give them allowances for doing their chores...However, you will never buy their affection. At the end of the day, I'm Mommy. They love me because they KNOW who I am and what I've done for them. I wear the name proudly.

I'm a mother. It's what I do.

Time

I've always had the uncanny ability to single handedly dissect and over think any situation that I'm faced with. If you ask me where I get it from, I'll say it's a defense mechanism that "protects" my heart against the forces of evil. The forces of evil being anyone who has the unfortunate luck of knowing me. Yes, I said, unfortunate luck. I seem to wreak mental havoc on unsuspecting victims. Lord only knows how I can look sweet and innocent but pounce like I'm the FBI, CIA and Secret Service all in one seemingly tidy package.  My outlook is that everyone has a motive and it's to hurt me. I guess when I look back at my life I can't blame myself for concocting the notion. My track record speaks for itself. However, I don't want to talk about the past. I'm so tired of talking about all the stupid things that have made me a mental train wreck. Let's talk about now...

I'm sad. Just sad. I cry everyday. I sleep. I sleep because it's an escape from my reality. My reality is these four walls. They trap me in my thoughts. They torture me with what I should have done or could have done but didn't. They make me think. God, I'm so tired of thinking. Just for one day I'd like to take everything at face value. I want to believe that there is good in people. Just when I think I have a handle on things, my mind interferes and beats whatever it is I'm facing into the ground until it looks like hamburger meat. Do you know how hard it is to hear the words, I love you when you feel in your heart you don't deserve it? What does he see that I don't? Why can't I see it?  I feel so abnormal and twisted . I sometimes feel like I'd be better off alone. That way I won't hurt him. Maybe my kids ARE better off where they are. Maybe everyone knows something that I don't. I'm just not seeing it. I'm so tired of being broken hearted. Just one day I don't want to cry. One day, I'd like to wake up and NOT put on my game face. I don't want to have a plan. I want to just...be. I'd never let anyone walk my path. It's a scary place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "They" say time heals all wounds. What the hell do "they" know? "They" don't live my life. "They" don't see through my eyes. "They" don't love with my heart. "They" don't know me. "They" have no idea what time does for me. Time gives me more time to think. Thinking is what I try to escape. Time is not my friend.

I've learned that the world doesn't stop spinning and time doesn't stop ticking. My greatest fear is that I'm going to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on my life. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my one amazing love because I couldn't truly see him for the wonderful, sweet and absolutely beautiful person that he is. My love. My protector. My provider. My strength. My best friend. My God given solace. The man who keeps my feet on the ground when I want to float away. I'm afraid the longer my kids are gone, they're going to forget me. They're not going to remember. Their innocent little minds will be clouded by what's going on and they'll be happy some place else. Time is not my friend.

I'm being held captive by my thoughts. I'm drowning and no one knows it.



“You never know beforehand what people are capable of, you have to wait, give it time, it's time that rules, time is our gambling partner on the other side of the table and it holds all the cards of the deck in its hand, we have to guess the winning cards of life, our lives.”  
~~José Saramago