Wow, it's been a while since I've sat down at this laptop and blogged. I'm not exactly sure what's brought me here today but something was nagging at me. Maybe subconsciously I have something to say and this is the place to put the words out in the open. I've always found writing to be quite therapeutic.
It's been almost 6 years since my ex-husband and I split. I've faced more than my fair share of challenges in the adventure I call my life. I've struggled with relationships and being a single parent. I've struggled financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. For the majority, I've faced my struggles alone. I think deep down inside, I chose to face them alone. In doing so, there's no chance to be let down or disappointed by the actions of another person. Sometimes it's just better that way, right? As my "therapist" says, I have a tendency to self sabotage my life and my relationships. I have this, "I'll hurt you before you hurt me mentality." I guess that's just the defense mechanism I've managed to conjure up in my head within the last half a decade. It did it's job. I successfully remained completely single for 6 years. Sense my sarcasm?? I spent so much time being skeptical and cynical, that I forgot to slow down and smell the roses. I kind of feel sorry for those who have legitimately tried to get to know me. I had this wall up the size of a small country... without the perfect set of keys, no one was allowed to break the barrier. Which leads me to this....
Somewhere in this so called tragic roller coaster ride I call my life, God gave me a fairytale. Yup. Out of nowhere came this guy with the perfect set of keys that fit my safety net. He came in quickly...he became my rock. He soothed my fears, dissected my problems...he became my protector and provider. I sit back and giggle a little bit because he knows me. He knows my quirks, my thoughts and even my emotions just by reading my text messages. He's the one person that I know in my heart of hearts will never leave me... He's no quitter. He's strong, amazing and willing to go to bat for little ole me...the one person who I thought wasn't worth any man's time. I say all this with 100 percent certainty. There's no nagging voice in my head that says he's going to hurt me. There's no hesitations or second guessing when it comes to him... There's nothing but trust. Trust that he's the man I've always prayed for. Trust that he'll move a mountain to make sure I'm OK. Trust that he's my...everything. "They" say time heals all wounds... I say the right person willing to be patient does.
So, where am I now? Hmmm... I'd say, for the majority, I'm in a good space. I'm a work in progress. I can't say I'm "better" or "well"... however, I can say I'm better than yesterday but not as good as I can be tomorrow. I can go back and reread the chapters of my life but I'll never be able to rewrite them. The things I've experienced, happened. As brutal and sad as the reality is, they occurred. They'll forever be tattooed in my mind. However, I've decided to erase them from my heart. I'm turning new chapters. New chapters filled with positive adventures and energy. Trust me, I struggle every day. I try my best to put the negativity from my mind. I'm just very blessed to have someone in my life willing to be patient and realize that underneath this exterior, there's a woman who just wants to be happy. There's a woman inside me that's trying her damndest to break out of this untrusting exterior. I'm so very thankful for the chance he gave to me. I'm thankful that through all my "thinking" and "over thinking" that he's willing to fight for me. I'm thankful that he sees what others in the past haven't seen... for that, I can't do anything but smile :-)
