This blog probably has nothing to do with the physical pain I went through when I was with my children's father, but, I think it fits nicely into the topic of domestic violence.
For the past week or so I've been feeling really bad because I'm unable to provide financially for my children. We struggle daily for basic necessities like toilet paper, sneakers and clothes. Now that school is upon us, so are the stresses of September birthdays, school shopping...and eventually the holidays. I get down on myself quite frequently because as a mother, I should be able to provide these things. Ask me how I've managed to keep my lights on and I'll tell you by the grace of God. I've become quite good at surviving by bare minimals...after my calculations, I'm not ashamed to say that my bills equal approximately $200 a month...and that's on a bad month. However, what kind of parent am I where I can't come up with $200 dollars? More times than not, I feel like the scum of the earth...inadequate...useless...pathetic..and shameful.
I know if I were healthy, I wouldn't be in this position. I'd be able to work and give my babies everything that they need. BUT...circumstances have dictated that it's not possible. I'd trade my illness for the opportunity to walk out my door on any given day to work. Alas, my colon less body forbids it. It would rather have me vomit in the morning because my stomach refuses to digest my meal from the night before, and have me in the bathroom all day because my body can't or just won't digest any form of healthy food...than to lead any kind of functioning life. Just in case the thought popped in your head that I'm just lazy...please dismiss it because lazy, I am not.
Fast forward through my disability denials and the denials of any state aid because bureaucracy is the wart on the ass of society...Apparently a doctor saying that I'm unable to work just isn't good enough for the Gods of social services. According to them, I'm not disabled because Social Security has yet to deem me disabled. While I'm being denied help..A) my kids go without, and B) I can't afford the $15 dollars I need to pick up my 5 prescriptions that I desperately need to function on a 10% level...which I've been without for the past 2 months. However, my needs are a mute point at this time.
Fast forward again, to the actual purpose of this post... My children's father's inability to act and do as a father should. If he would put on his big boy undies and act like a 49 year old man, instead of 20 year old child, maybe...just maybe...my kids would have the things that they need. Since when is it only one parent's responsibility to provide for any child? If that was the case, I would have gotten myself pregnant. So, because said "loser" would rather smoke crack, beat his girlfriend and drink himself to death, MY kids go without. He'd rather go to prison at the age of 49 than act like a grown man and take care of his responsibilities. If people would stop enabling his sorry ass, maybe he'd have to stand on his two feet. Please save the, "OMG, I can't believe she just said that" speech because ya'll know it happens. He deserves to be humiliated. He deserves to have people look at him like HE'S the scum of the earth...inadequate...useless...pathetic...and shameful. He's lucky I don't plaster his name and social security number all over my blog and say, have at it...BUT I'm not like that. I have a good heart. I do the things I have to do as a parent. I provide EVERYTHING within my means for my children. I DO IT!! I may feel bad because I wish I could do more...I may feel worthless and shameful..but I know in my heart of hearts...I'd do anything for my kids. I may not be able to sleep at night because I worry constantly about them; but, as long as I know I did what I could for that day, my guilt is forgiven. I wonder how many men can say the same.
In the words of Albany County Family Court Judge Margaret T. Walsh, "You can't make a man be a father."
No, you can't, but you can make him pay for his children.
So I ask the question, "What is my children's father's worth?" Please don't have me answer. He's right up there next to my biological father...
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Fooled Yet Again...
As much as we'd like to believe that our past experiences help us make better decisions in the future, I'm here to officially say that's not always the case. Unbeknownst to most of my friends, up until a few short weeks ago, I was seeing this guy for a while. After I left my ex husband, I promised myself that I'd never let another man abuse me; whether it be physical, emotional or sexual abuse, it was never going to happen to me again. Well, in theory that sounds like a splendid plan. Can't you just see the headlines? "Woman leaves abusive ex-husband a stronger and better person," Yeah, not so much. I found myself in a "relationship" with someone who never physically harmed me; but, would mentally torment me. I wasn't skinny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough or beautiful enough. I wasn't all the things that he hoped I'd be. I wasn't perfect. I somehow mustered up the strength to end it before it turned physical...but I sit here with even more emotional scars and mental wounds.
I applaud women who are strong enough to realize that they're worth so much more. I wish with everything in my soul that I was one of them. My life is filled with so many broken dreams, broken promises and empty words. Do I have a sign on my heart that says, use and abuse me?
I don't know what hurts worse. Is it the fact that I actually believe all those things or is it the fact that I learned absolutely nothing from my ex? Do I want to be loved so much that I'd sacrifice myself for it? Am I destined to be this pathetic weak woman that others see me as? I can't seem to see past the nose on my face tonight...I feel so alone surrounded by so many good people.
What scares me the most is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to figure this out.
I applaud women who are strong enough to realize that they're worth so much more. I wish with everything in my soul that I was one of them. My life is filled with so many broken dreams, broken promises and empty words. Do I have a sign on my heart that says, use and abuse me?
I don't know what hurts worse. Is it the fact that I actually believe all those things or is it the fact that I learned absolutely nothing from my ex? Do I want to be loved so much that I'd sacrifice myself for it? Am I destined to be this pathetic weak woman that others see me as? I can't seem to see past the nose on my face tonight...I feel so alone surrounded by so many good people.
What scares me the most is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to figure this out.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Unworthy
I had no intention of blogging today but something has been bothering me for a while and I really needed to express myself.
When I met my ex husband all those years ago, he promised to love, honor and cherish me. He promised to never hurt me. He was my protector...my knight in shining armor. The day I realized those were merely just words was the day I lost trust in men. Of course, years after the fact, I've come to the realization that not all men are the devils spawn and one day God would bless me with someone that is true to his word; someone who would know a beautiful, honest and loving woman when he saw her. He would, by my imagination, be my knight in shining armor. He'd say all the right things and do all the right things. He'd love me unconditionally because he would know that I'm sincere and good. Of course we all know that fantasies like that don't happen in real life. My life story is nothing compared to The Notebook or PS. I Love You. It closely resembles that of Tina Turner (of course, I can't sing, don't have fantastic legs or am wealthy enough to buy myself happiness). It's a train wreck with speed bumps and flat tires. Anyways, I'm veering from the purpose of this blog...
Although I've yet to find my prince charming, I fear that when he finally shows up, I'll feel unworthy of all his goodness. I fear that all those feelings of worthlessness will be there waiting to sabotage the beautiful future that I've been dreaming of. I hesitate to reach out for fear of failure. I fear that good things are always a mirage and as soon as I reach out to take a drink, I'll be drinking sand. Why? If you're told long enough that you don't deserve it, chances are you start to believe that you don't. The mind can be a terrible thing. It can twist your words and harden your heart. It can make you believe things that aren't there. You can tell me a million times that God wants me to be happy. You can tell me that I'm a beautiful person and I deserve all the happiness in the world, BUT his words resonate in my mind as if they're a tattoo on my skin; there and unable to be removed. You're not worthy. No one will ever love you. What man will want you? No man in his right mind would ever be with a woman with 5 kids. You're updateable. You're not the girl a man takes home to mom. Oh, I've heard them all. What are the chances they'd all be wrong? There has to be some truth in there right? They can't all be wrong. Even if I could remove the feelings of unworthiness, who's to say my feelings of inadequacies don't shine like a beacon on a dark night?
I refrain from looking at myself in the mirror because I hate to see the person looking back at me. I don't see a spark of life. I don't see a future of beautiful days. I see sorrow and pain. I see wishful thinking and days that never come. I see a broken and empty soul. A heart shattered into unfixable pieces. It's days like today that I feel so helpless and alone...unappreciated and desperate to be fixed. Oh how I wish all of this would disappear. I'd give all of my worldly possessions, as few as they are, to be just like you. I'd love to enjoy the sunshine with my whole being and not just the exterior. It's very easy to mask your true feelings behind the facade of "happiness". It's easy to smile, but inside feel like you're suffocating. Debbie, just smile and pretend that it doesn't hurt. Pretend like you're as happy as other people want you to be.
I've spent so much time rolling with the punches that I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'd give anything to feel content and free. Free to love the way I want; content to exhale. Being a domestic violence survivor is a heavy burden to carry. The emotional wounds bury themselves deep into the soul of a woman. Survival is an ongoing process. You don't wake up one morning and say, I'm better and this doesn't bother me any longer. It takes time and patience.
When I met my ex husband all those years ago, he promised to love, honor and cherish me. He promised to never hurt me. He was my protector...my knight in shining armor. The day I realized those were merely just words was the day I lost trust in men. Of course, years after the fact, I've come to the realization that not all men are the devils spawn and one day God would bless me with someone that is true to his word; someone who would know a beautiful, honest and loving woman when he saw her. He would, by my imagination, be my knight in shining armor. He'd say all the right things and do all the right things. He'd love me unconditionally because he would know that I'm sincere and good. Of course we all know that fantasies like that don't happen in real life. My life story is nothing compared to The Notebook or PS. I Love You. It closely resembles that of Tina Turner (of course, I can't sing, don't have fantastic legs or am wealthy enough to buy myself happiness). It's a train wreck with speed bumps and flat tires. Anyways, I'm veering from the purpose of this blog...
Although I've yet to find my prince charming, I fear that when he finally shows up, I'll feel unworthy of all his goodness. I fear that all those feelings of worthlessness will be there waiting to sabotage the beautiful future that I've been dreaming of. I hesitate to reach out for fear of failure. I fear that good things are always a mirage and as soon as I reach out to take a drink, I'll be drinking sand. Why? If you're told long enough that you don't deserve it, chances are you start to believe that you don't. The mind can be a terrible thing. It can twist your words and harden your heart. It can make you believe things that aren't there. You can tell me a million times that God wants me to be happy. You can tell me that I'm a beautiful person and I deserve all the happiness in the world, BUT his words resonate in my mind as if they're a tattoo on my skin; there and unable to be removed. You're not worthy. No one will ever love you. What man will want you? No man in his right mind would ever be with a woman with 5 kids. You're updateable. You're not the girl a man takes home to mom. Oh, I've heard them all. What are the chances they'd all be wrong? There has to be some truth in there right? They can't all be wrong. Even if I could remove the feelings of unworthiness, who's to say my feelings of inadequacies don't shine like a beacon on a dark night?
I refrain from looking at myself in the mirror because I hate to see the person looking back at me. I don't see a spark of life. I don't see a future of beautiful days. I see sorrow and pain. I see wishful thinking and days that never come. I see a broken and empty soul. A heart shattered into unfixable pieces. It's days like today that I feel so helpless and alone...unappreciated and desperate to be fixed. Oh how I wish all of this would disappear. I'd give all of my worldly possessions, as few as they are, to be just like you. I'd love to enjoy the sunshine with my whole being and not just the exterior. It's very easy to mask your true feelings behind the facade of "happiness". It's easy to smile, but inside feel like you're suffocating. Debbie, just smile and pretend that it doesn't hurt. Pretend like you're as happy as other people want you to be.
I've spent so much time rolling with the punches that I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'd give anything to feel content and free. Free to love the way I want; content to exhale. Being a domestic violence survivor is a heavy burden to carry. The emotional wounds bury themselves deep into the soul of a woman. Survival is an ongoing process. You don't wake up one morning and say, I'm better and this doesn't bother me any longer. It takes time and patience.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Hardest Part...
If I had to sit here and contemplate what the hardest part of this whole ordeal is, I'd have to say looking my kids in the face and feeling so much guilt and shame inside. Guilt for staying so long. Shame for not being strong enough to leave. Guilt for seeing all the trials and tribulations they go through. Shame for not speaking up for myself. Guilt for not...picking the right father for them. It's true what "they" say. Guilt and regret will break you down until you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so easy to say, it's not my fault or he did this to me. However, the reality of the situation is, you can say it until you're blue in the face but it won't make you believe it. You have to feel it. As of yet, I don't feel anything but negative. Sometimes I just sit here and wish I didn't feel at all. It would be so much easier if it all just went away. I want it to disappear like the stars when the sun peaks over the horizon to say good morning.
The warning signs were always there. Maybe I wanted to love so badly that I was willing to overlook them. Maybe I wanted the fairy tale ending that you see in the movies. My favorite by far is Pretty Woman. Who wouldn't want Richard Gere showing up on their fire escape, in all his glory, telling you he's your knight in shining armor? Eh, maybe not Richard Gere...I'll take Shemar Moore instead :o) Anyways...
Did I want to love so badly that I overlooked the needs of my children? I was so busy worrying about my own hopes and dreams that I forgot about theirs. I robbed my daughter of her precious childhood. She lost her faith, hope and trust because I wanted to love... because I wanted my fairy tale. Instead of worrying about what she was going to wear to school, she was worried about protecting me and her brothers and sister. Instead of wishing for the latest toy or book, she was wishing for a "normal" family. How do I, as a mother, get over that guilt? How do I move to space where I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I did the best I could? Deep down inside I feel like a failure. I feel like the lowest of the low. My son struggles everyday with PTSD/ADHD. He struggles in school. He struggles at home. He struggles to control his emotions. My beautiful boy feels like the world is on his shoulders...and it's my fault. How do I talk to him and say, it's going to be ok, when I don't know if it will? How do I look at him and not feel ashamed? I did this to him. I could have prevented all of this...if I were stronger. I teach my kids that they should always take responsibility for their actions. Well, it was my responsibility to protect them. It was my responsibility to let them be little. Let them be happy and carefree. I'm taking responsibility and it's a hard dose of medicine to swallow.
This is no pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm saying this so you won't have to. I hope my words can save you from a lifetime of guilt and shame. I'm saying this so you can look at your child and see the sparkle of innocence in their eyes; not the dull ember of a lost childhood.
Don't stay because you love him. Leave him because you love your children more. Maybe if I took my own advice, my heart wouldn't be so heavy.
The warning signs were always there. Maybe I wanted to love so badly that I was willing to overlook them. Maybe I wanted the fairy tale ending that you see in the movies. My favorite by far is Pretty Woman. Who wouldn't want Richard Gere showing up on their fire escape, in all his glory, telling you he's your knight in shining armor? Eh, maybe not Richard Gere...I'll take Shemar Moore instead :o) Anyways...
Did I want to love so badly that I overlooked the needs of my children? I was so busy worrying about my own hopes and dreams that I forgot about theirs. I robbed my daughter of her precious childhood. She lost her faith, hope and trust because I wanted to love... because I wanted my fairy tale. Instead of worrying about what she was going to wear to school, she was worried about protecting me and her brothers and sister. Instead of wishing for the latest toy or book, she was wishing for a "normal" family. How do I, as a mother, get over that guilt? How do I move to space where I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I did the best I could? Deep down inside I feel like a failure. I feel like the lowest of the low. My son struggles everyday with PTSD/ADHD. He struggles in school. He struggles at home. He struggles to control his emotions. My beautiful boy feels like the world is on his shoulders...and it's my fault. How do I talk to him and say, it's going to be ok, when I don't know if it will? How do I look at him and not feel ashamed? I did this to him. I could have prevented all of this...if I were stronger. I teach my kids that they should always take responsibility for their actions. Well, it was my responsibility to protect them. It was my responsibility to let them be little. Let them be happy and carefree. I'm taking responsibility and it's a hard dose of medicine to swallow.
This is no pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm saying this so you won't have to. I hope my words can save you from a lifetime of guilt and shame. I'm saying this so you can look at your child and see the sparkle of innocence in their eyes; not the dull ember of a lost childhood.
Don't stay because you love him. Leave him because you love your children more. Maybe if I took my own advice, my heart wouldn't be so heavy.
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven." Matthew 18:10
Monday, March 14, 2011
It Always Creeps Back In...
I spend a lot of time trying to push the memories back to the farthest recesses of my mind. I would love to just sit here oblivious to it all. Just when I think I've got it all under control and I'm cruising along as if the world is my oyster, it all comes creeping back in. It creeps in like a virus, killing everything good in its path. It creeps in like a snake, sucking the life out of its prey. It makes me sick. It makes me hate my existence. Who would have thought almost two decades after the fact I'd still be sitting here feeling so much agony. I just want to scream. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to. What is wrong with me?? Why won't it just go away?
The isolation I feel is unbareable. I sometimes wonder what other people think of me. More times than not, I just hide in my apartment not wanting to be seen or heard. My phone rings and I'll let it keep ringing because I'm not sure what to say as my mind has been buried in bad memories. Lately I try to remain positive so others can stop whispering...Why doesn't she stop complaining? Little do they know I'd give up every thing I have to be just like you.
I can't look at myself. I can't think. I can't speak. All I can do is remember all those awful things. I remember so much heartache and pain. I remember begging and pleading. I remember wishing that it would all go away. How much longer will I be this way? "They" said, just leave. It'll get better. What did "they" know? They weren't me. How come “they” give advice and have never walked a day in my shoes? Let this be a lesson to you. It's easier to be "them" than it is to be you. They don’t sit here when Isaiah cries because he hears a police siren. They aren’t here when Nate looks at me as if I’m really that crazy bitch his father said I was. They aren’t here when Elijah retells stories of how his father got drunk and slammed him against the wall because he peed to bed. Time heals all wounds... really?? How much time? Months? Years? Decades?? In my world time stands still. Time isn’t healing the knot in my stomach tonight. I feel like I'd rather rip my heart out than feel one more ounce of pain? How come the tears are flowing and I hate myself because I'm not strong enough to stop them?
Have you ever taken a bath and put your head under the water? What do you hear? Your own heart beating? Silence? I take a bubble bath every night because it’s the only time in the day when I hear nothing. I literally drown out the voices and the memories by listening to the deafening silence of nothingness. I lie there with my head submerged in water, listening. to. nothing.
“They” say it takes a smart man to learn from his mistakes and it takes a wise man to learn from the mistakes of others. Let this be a lesson...It hurts. The whole process hurts. It hurts to live with him. It hurts to see your kids suffer. It hurts to leave. It hurts to move on. It hurts to admit failure. It hurts 3 years later. The whole stinking thing hurts. Every time the memories come back I feel like I'm reliving it all again. Why do I give him so much power? It's simple. I loved with all my heart. When you love with everything you have, you don't expect it to fall apart. You don't anticipate the bottom falling out. When it happens, there isn't anything you can do but fall. I honestly don't think I'll ever love again. I'd rather build this wall as tall as I can and keep them all out. It's better that way. Right? If I keep them out, they can't hurt me. Hopefully, this way I can avoid repeating the ugly process of loving and being let down.
The isolation I feel is unbareable. I sometimes wonder what other people think of me. More times than not, I just hide in my apartment not wanting to be seen or heard. My phone rings and I'll let it keep ringing because I'm not sure what to say as my mind has been buried in bad memories. Lately I try to remain positive so others can stop whispering...Why doesn't she stop complaining? Little do they know I'd give up every thing I have to be just like you.
I can't look at myself. I can't think. I can't speak. All I can do is remember all those awful things. I remember so much heartache and pain. I remember begging and pleading. I remember wishing that it would all go away. How much longer will I be this way? "They" said, just leave. It'll get better. What did "they" know? They weren't me. How come “they” give advice and have never walked a day in my shoes? Let this be a lesson to you. It's easier to be "them" than it is to be you. They don’t sit here when Isaiah cries because he hears a police siren. They aren’t here when Nate looks at me as if I’m really that crazy bitch his father said I was. They aren’t here when Elijah retells stories of how his father got drunk and slammed him against the wall because he peed to bed. Time heals all wounds... really?? How much time? Months? Years? Decades?? In my world time stands still. Time isn’t healing the knot in my stomach tonight. I feel like I'd rather rip my heart out than feel one more ounce of pain? How come the tears are flowing and I hate myself because I'm not strong enough to stop them?
Have you ever taken a bath and put your head under the water? What do you hear? Your own heart beating? Silence? I take a bubble bath every night because it’s the only time in the day when I hear nothing. I literally drown out the voices and the memories by listening to the deafening silence of nothingness. I lie there with my head submerged in water, listening. to. nothing.
“They” say it takes a smart man to learn from his mistakes and it takes a wise man to learn from the mistakes of others. Let this be a lesson...It hurts. The whole process hurts. It hurts to live with him. It hurts to see your kids suffer. It hurts to leave. It hurts to move on. It hurts to admit failure. It hurts 3 years later. The whole stinking thing hurts. Every time the memories come back I feel like I'm reliving it all again. Why do I give him so much power? It's simple. I loved with all my heart. When you love with everything you have, you don't expect it to fall apart. You don't anticipate the bottom falling out. When it happens, there isn't anything you can do but fall. I honestly don't think I'll ever love again. I'd rather build this wall as tall as I can and keep them all out. It's better that way. Right? If I keep them out, they can't hurt me. Hopefully, this way I can avoid repeating the ugly process of loving and being let down.
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Tonight, I'm having a really hard time finding that light within.....
Monday, February 28, 2011
What Children Want
I was awake most of the night thinking about my kids and how I still feel that I let them down because I didn't leave their father soon enough. In keeping with my therapist's wishes, I try to downplay my guilt because I was traumatized. In his words, a traumatized woman thinks with a traumatized mind. Of course this only works for so long. Guilt will make the strongest individual fall to their knees and quit. Sometimes it's so hard to sit here, miles away from my family and say I made the right decision. Don't get me wrong, I love my new found friends and family...I have some of the best in Charlotte :o) My church is amazing and so giving, and even the strangers I've encountered have blessed me beyond words. However, my invisible enemy, guilt, won't let me be.
In order to keep myself from falling to my knees yet again, I've come up with a small list of what children want and don't want. For all you woman who struggle with the decisions you made and wonder if they were the rights ones for you and your family, please pay close attention.
Children want happiness
Children want safety
Children want support
Children want love
Children want kindness
Children want time on mommy's lap
Children want hugs and kisses goodnight
Children want a mommy and not a best friend
Children want to live in peace
Children want to be heard
Children want comfort
Children want understanding
Children want to know that their mommy is safe
Children want to live free of fear
Children want honesty
Children want approval
Children want acceptance
Children want fairness
Children want praise
Most of all, children would rather live a lifetime in poverty then live one day without their mommy.
The last one resonates with me constantly. I see it everyday with my children. We don't have the things we used to. They don't have the best toys or the nicest clothes. They don't have a big house and we don't drive a fancy car. However, if you ask them what they want, it's not a bigger tv or the latest toy. They want their mommy. They want me to tuck them in at night, tell them I love them and kiss them on their eyes, nose, mouth cheeks, forehead and ears :o) They want mommy to say their bedtime prayer with them and kiss all their stuffed animal friends before I leave their bedroom. They want their mommy to fix their cereal for breakfast and take them to the park in the afternoon. They want mommy to kiss their boo boos and high five them when they bring home passing grades.
So before you beat yourself up about the decision to leave...or you have guilt about barely having enough money for bills...look at your beautiful children and think about what they really want. They want you. If you stayed in your abusive relationship, chances are they wouldn't have you for very long.
I'd like to leave you with these little thoughts
(Matthew 18:1-3) At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
In order to keep myself from falling to my knees yet again, I've come up with a small list of what children want and don't want. For all you woman who struggle with the decisions you made and wonder if they were the rights ones for you and your family, please pay close attention.
Children want happiness
Children want safety
Children want support
Children want love
Children want kindness
Children want time on mommy's lap
Children want hugs and kisses goodnight
Children want a mommy and not a best friend
Children want to live in peace
Children want to be heard
Children want comfort
Children want understanding
Children want to know that their mommy is safe
Children want to live free of fear
Children want honesty
Children want approval
Children want acceptance
Children want fairness
Children want praise
Most of all, children would rather live a lifetime in poverty then live one day without their mommy.
The last one resonates with me constantly. I see it everyday with my children. We don't have the things we used to. They don't have the best toys or the nicest clothes. They don't have a big house and we don't drive a fancy car. However, if you ask them what they want, it's not a bigger tv or the latest toy. They want their mommy. They want me to tuck them in at night, tell them I love them and kiss them on their eyes, nose, mouth cheeks, forehead and ears :o) They want mommy to say their bedtime prayer with them and kiss all their stuffed animal friends before I leave their bedroom. They want their mommy to fix their cereal for breakfast and take them to the park in the afternoon. They want mommy to kiss their boo boos and high five them when they bring home passing grades.
So before you beat yourself up about the decision to leave...or you have guilt about barely having enough money for bills...look at your beautiful children and think about what they really want. They want you. If you stayed in your abusive relationship, chances are they wouldn't have you for very long.
I'd like to leave you with these little thoughts
(Psalm 127:3-5) Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(John 16:21) When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.
(Matthew 18:1-3) At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
(Proverbs 22:6) Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Domestic Abuse, Divorce and Religion
After having a conversation with a friend of mine, I've decided to write a little bit about the topic of domestic abuse, divorce and religion. The religious woman whose spirit is being crushed by domestic violence is faced with a unique burden. Although she faces the same issues that other victims face, she also faces religious or biblical concerns. These concerns make it difficult to admit there's an issue and more times than not she fears eternal condemnation. So what is she to do? Well let me be the first to tell you.
When faced with my own dilemma, I researched the topic online and read every scripture available to find the answer. The Bible can be a very scary place when you're a woman in a abusive situation. I came across scriptures such as this...
we should submit to our husband as unto Christ (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18), even where our husband is not acting in a Christ-like manner (1 Pet. 3:1) our body no longer belongs to us but to our husband - what right do we therefore have to object to his treatment of it/us? (1 Cor. 7:4)
What?!? I have to submit even if my husband isn't acting in a Christ-like manner?? Does this mean when he comes home drunk and wants "marital relations" I have to submit? What if he forces himself on me? I still have to submit? The behavior definitely isn't Christ-like. What if I don't have dinner done in time and he slams me up against the wall? Do I still have to submit? Being physically abusive definitely isn't Christ-like. No wonder women get so confused and don't know what to do. If you follow the Word and it's telling you to submit, what in the world do you do? If the previous scripture isn't enough to scare the living daylights out of you, here's another one that won't make you feel any better. It's well noted in the bible that God hated divorce.
Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
(Thank you Pastor Scott for our conversation today)
So where does that leave those of us in situations that are unhealthy and abusive/violent? Many people believe that the Bible does not deal with the issues of violence and abuse, that domestic violence is a modern problem and therefore God is silent on it in Scripture. Yet human nature does not change with time, and while the Lord condemned violence and offered hope and comfort to the oppressed 2000 years ago, His words are just as current now as they were in the time of Jesus.
The following are some scriptures that I've found that address the issues of violence and those who use it.
Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.
Zephaniah 1:9 In the same day also will I punish all those that leap on the threshold, which fill their masters' houses with violence and deceit.
Psalms 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
This last one is one of my favorites...
(Ephesians 5:25-27) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
When we think of Christ’s sacrifice for the church we immediately think about the cross. He died for us. He had so much love in his heart and soul that he sacrificed himself for the love of church... and the love of mankind. I ask you this question...If your husband is beating you, humiliating you, verbally and emotionally abusing you...does he love you as Christ loved the church? We all know the answer...No. The answer is as simple as that. No.
I may be wrong but I'm going to put my own spin on the topic. We live in a world full of modern rules and laws. Divorce today is much different than divorce in biblical days. When a man wanted to divorce his wife in biblical times, did he pay an attorney a retainer fee, go to court, fight over marital property, split the cost of the kids health insurance and pay child support? I don't think so. Once a man abuses his wife, in my opinion, all bets are off. He violated one of the most cherished and sacred relationships... the relationship between a husband and wife. Divorce or no divorce...it's over...finished...put a period at the end. He gets no second chance. His second chance could be your last chance....
Let me leave with this...I call them the golden rules of the Bible :o)
Christ has called us unto Peace, not fear, he has called us to follow his example of serving one another, not dominating each other, he has called us to Truth, not to deceit and hypocrisy. Christ has called us to Love, not to abuse...
Eph. 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Colossians 3:12,13 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
2 Peter 1:7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
Matthew 18:33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?
Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.
I'm not a religious expert...my relationship with God and Christ began a short 6 months ago. However, I do know that there is no greater love than the love of Christ... When we open our hearts to the pure love of Christ we can fully understand what it truly means to love and be loved.
Before you make the decision to stay in an abusive relationship because you think that's what is commanded of you in the Bible, ask yourself this....Is my experience within this relationship what God intended for me? Is being fearful in our marriage an aspect of love?
No Place for Abuse - Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence , by Catherine Clark Kroeger & Nancy Nason-Clark, InterVarsity Press, Illinois
When faced with my own dilemma, I researched the topic online and read every scripture available to find the answer. The Bible can be a very scary place when you're a woman in a abusive situation. I came across scriptures such as this...
we should submit to our husband as unto Christ (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18), even where our husband is not acting in a Christ-like manner (1 Pet. 3:1) our body no longer belongs to us but to our husband - what right do we therefore have to object to his treatment of it/us? (1 Cor. 7:4)
What?!? I have to submit even if my husband isn't acting in a Christ-like manner?? Does this mean when he comes home drunk and wants "marital relations" I have to submit? What if he forces himself on me? I still have to submit? The behavior definitely isn't Christ-like. What if I don't have dinner done in time and he slams me up against the wall? Do I still have to submit? Being physically abusive definitely isn't Christ-like. No wonder women get so confused and don't know what to do. If you follow the Word and it's telling you to submit, what in the world do you do? If the previous scripture isn't enough to scare the living daylights out of you, here's another one that won't make you feel any better. It's well noted in the bible that God hated divorce.
Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
(Thank you Pastor Scott for our conversation today)
We believe that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13), and hence that no matter how hard the abuse, we can bear it and it is a lack of faith to give up and escape it, but God will find the solution and end it. I can go on for hours...there are dozens of scriptures just like this.
The following are some scriptures that I've found that address the issues of violence and those who use it.
Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.
Zephaniah 1:9 In the same day also will I punish all those that leap on the threshold, which fill their masters' houses with violence and deceit.
Psalms 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.
This last one is one of my favorites...
(Ephesians 5:25-27) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
When we think of Christ’s sacrifice for the church we immediately think about the cross. He died for us. He had so much love in his heart and soul that he sacrificed himself for the love of church... and the love of mankind. I ask you this question...If your husband is beating you, humiliating you, verbally and emotionally abusing you...does he love you as Christ loved the church? We all know the answer...No. The answer is as simple as that. No.
I may be wrong but I'm going to put my own spin on the topic. We live in a world full of modern rules and laws. Divorce today is much different than divorce in biblical days. When a man wanted to divorce his wife in biblical times, did he pay an attorney a retainer fee, go to court, fight over marital property, split the cost of the kids health insurance and pay child support? I don't think so. Once a man abuses his wife, in my opinion, all bets are off. He violated one of the most cherished and sacred relationships... the relationship between a husband and wife. Divorce or no divorce...it's over...finished...put a period at the end. He gets no second chance. His second chance could be your last chance....
Let me leave with this...I call them the golden rules of the Bible :o)
Christ has called us unto Peace, not fear, he has called us to follow his example of serving one another, not dominating each other, he has called us to Truth, not to deceit and hypocrisy. Christ has called us to Love, not to abuse...
Eph. 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Colossians 3:12,13 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
2 Peter 1:7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
Matthew 18:33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?
Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Romans 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.
2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.
I'm not a religious expert...my relationship with God and Christ began a short 6 months ago. However, I do know that there is no greater love than the love of Christ... When we open our hearts to the pure love of Christ we can fully understand what it truly means to love and be loved.
Before you make the decision to stay in an abusive relationship because you think that's what is commanded of you in the Bible, ask yourself this....Is my experience within this relationship what God intended for me? Is being fearful in our marriage an aspect of love?
No Place for Abuse - Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence , by Catherine Clark Kroeger & Nancy Nason-Clark, InterVarsity Press, Illinois
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Letter I Wish I Could Send
It's been a few years and since I've never been able to truly express my feelings to you about our life together, I'm going to take this opportunity to put my feelings down on paper. Personally, my feelings won't be hurt if you don't read this as I've learned to expect nothing but disappointment from you. With that being said, I'd hope for the first time, you would take my feelings into consideration and give me this one thing...Closure. You can give me satisfaction by admitting your blame in our failed marriage. No more hiding behind your lies or excuses. No more blaming me. Do the one thing that you've never been able to do...tell the truth.
Since the moment I met you, I thought you were the one for me. You made me promises that any young woman would love to hear from a man. You promised to love me. You promised to protect me. Had I known those words were as empty as your heart, I would have run in the opposite direction. I could have saved myself the heartache of knowing what the past years of my life would look like. If only you knew what you truly did to me; what you did to us. Maybe, deep down inside, that's why I'm writing this. You need a reality check. You need to know that I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I still see the fat, disgusting, pig that no one will ever love. You need to know that when I lie down and close my eyes, I have nightmares about you coming home intoxicated and high. I have nightmares about you beating me because I wouldn't give you my last $20. You need to know that I'll probably never fully trust another man as long as I live because I know deep down inside, he'll be just like you. You need to know that my skin crawls at the sight, sound and smells of certain things because they remind me of you. How did this happen? How did I let you do this to me? How did I let you consume almost twenty years of my life? Up until recently, I would have answered those questions with a simple, because I wasn't good enough. However, I know differently. It happened because you manipulated me into believing I was worthless. You made me fear you. You made me believe that I couldn’t do this without you. You made me think that I deserved it. Shame on me for letting you do this…no, shame on you for not being the man you said you would be.
This is just you and I. No more lies. You had everyone believing that I was crazy. You had everyone believing that I caused all of our arguments. If only I shut my mouth. If only I cleaned better and controlled the kids more, you wouldn’t get angry. Little did they know I wasn't the problem. Little did they know you had a dirty little secret called addiction. Not just an addiction to alcohol but to crack cocaine too. You can’t deny it. This is you and I. I know the truth. You know the truth. Your need to feed your addiction, almost killed me. Your need for more, brutalized me. I remember every bruise, broken bone and concussion like it happened yesterday. I can name the day, time and place of each of them. I can point to every scar on my body and recall the exact circumstance surrounding its existence. I can even recall the pathetic story I told when I was asked, what happened?
One thing that I’ll probably never understand is why you chose your addictions over us? You chose alcohol and drugs over me and your kids. How does that make you feel? Good? You single handedly destroyed the lives of 5 beautiful babies and a woman who would have given you the world. You tossed us away like we were an empty beer can. You walked all over us. You assumed we would always be there to clean up your mess. You assumed I was always going to be your punching bag and your doormat. Your assumptions proved dead wrong.
You verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me…all in the name of love. I used to hate you. I used to wish you would know how it felt to be used and abused. That was when I used to care. I feel nothing inside when I think about you. There isn't fear. There isn't anxiety. There isn't love. There's a place in my heart that used to be filled with all the love, hope and promise that any woman could give her husband. You took that place, turned it upside down, stepped on it and left it to die. After I write this letter, I'll take that place, turn it around, brush off your footprint and bring it back to life. Next time, I'll give it to someone who deserves it.
So I sit here…with a few questions of my own. How will it feel, when you realize that your sons learned to be grown men by watching another man? How will it feel when Jaliyah walks down the aisle on her wedding day and the man she calls daddy, looks nothing like you? How will it feel when Lizzy graduates this summer and instead of having you there, you’ll be sitting inside a small jail cell, alone. More importantly, how does it feel knowing you had it all and now have nothing??
No need to answer.
Since the moment I met you, I thought you were the one for me. You made me promises that any young woman would love to hear from a man. You promised to love me. You promised to protect me. Had I known those words were as empty as your heart, I would have run in the opposite direction. I could have saved myself the heartache of knowing what the past years of my life would look like. If only you knew what you truly did to me; what you did to us. Maybe, deep down inside, that's why I'm writing this. You need a reality check. You need to know that I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I still see the fat, disgusting, pig that no one will ever love. You need to know that when I lie down and close my eyes, I have nightmares about you coming home intoxicated and high. I have nightmares about you beating me because I wouldn't give you my last $20. You need to know that I'll probably never fully trust another man as long as I live because I know deep down inside, he'll be just like you. You need to know that my skin crawls at the sight, sound and smells of certain things because they remind me of you. How did this happen? How did I let you do this to me? How did I let you consume almost twenty years of my life? Up until recently, I would have answered those questions with a simple, because I wasn't good enough. However, I know differently. It happened because you manipulated me into believing I was worthless. You made me fear you. You made me believe that I couldn’t do this without you. You made me think that I deserved it. Shame on me for letting you do this…no, shame on you for not being the man you said you would be.
This is just you and I. No more lies. You had everyone believing that I was crazy. You had everyone believing that I caused all of our arguments. If only I shut my mouth. If only I cleaned better and controlled the kids more, you wouldn’t get angry. Little did they know I wasn't the problem. Little did they know you had a dirty little secret called addiction. Not just an addiction to alcohol but to crack cocaine too. You can’t deny it. This is you and I. I know the truth. You know the truth. Your need to feed your addiction, almost killed me. Your need for more, brutalized me. I remember every bruise, broken bone and concussion like it happened yesterday. I can name the day, time and place of each of them. I can point to every scar on my body and recall the exact circumstance surrounding its existence. I can even recall the pathetic story I told when I was asked, what happened?
One thing that I’ll probably never understand is why you chose your addictions over us? You chose alcohol and drugs over me and your kids. How does that make you feel? Good? You single handedly destroyed the lives of 5 beautiful babies and a woman who would have given you the world. You tossed us away like we were an empty beer can. You walked all over us. You assumed we would always be there to clean up your mess. You assumed I was always going to be your punching bag and your doormat. Your assumptions proved dead wrong.
You verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me…all in the name of love. I used to hate you. I used to wish you would know how it felt to be used and abused. That was when I used to care. I feel nothing inside when I think about you. There isn't fear. There isn't anxiety. There isn't love. There's a place in my heart that used to be filled with all the love, hope and promise that any woman could give her husband. You took that place, turned it upside down, stepped on it and left it to die. After I write this letter, I'll take that place, turn it around, brush off your footprint and bring it back to life. Next time, I'll give it to someone who deserves it.
So I sit here…with a few questions of my own. How will it feel, when you realize that your sons learned to be grown men by watching another man? How will it feel when Jaliyah walks down the aisle on her wedding day and the man she calls daddy, looks nothing like you? How will it feel when Lizzy graduates this summer and instead of having you there, you’ll be sitting inside a small jail cell, alone. More importantly, how does it feel knowing you had it all and now have nothing??
No need to answer.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I Heard it Through the Grapevine
I know it's been a while since my last post but there have been so many wonderful and amazing things happening in my life; all of which have left me a bit overwhelmed and almost ADHD like :o)
The reason for my post this evening is because I heard some news that stirred some pretty crazy emotions in me. I thought for sure I'd be jumping up and down and doing all kinds of weird dance moves (I have the mental image of Elaine on Seinfeld dancing in the elevator), on the contrary, I feel a bit down.
I received a phone call today and was told my ex-husband was sentenced to one and a half to four years in prison and is currently on his was to Downstate Correctional Facility in NY. Part of me can't help but smile because he finally got what he deserved. He single handedly tortured, abused, neglected, and traumatized 3 woman and it's about darn time NY State finally smartened up and put some kind of end to his abuse. It's about time he realizes it's against the law to violate a woman. When most of us think about the word violate, we think of the worst crimes that can be inflicted on a woman...physical, emotional, verbal, mental and sexual...all of which I suffered at the hands of the man that promised to love, honor and cherish me.
I thought for sure the news would have made me happy and would have lifted this huge burden off my shoulders but the earth didn't move my emotions nor did the news make me feel any better. If anything, it stirred all the feelings of sorrow and sympathy I wrestle with daily. Not sorrow and sympathy for him but for his children; my children and his adult children. I can’t help but think about these eight beautiful, smart, funny and talented children who didn’t get the perfect family. I feel so much sorrow because they all deserved to have the best dad that God could have given them. They deserved bedtime kisses and sober fishing trips. The girls deserved to have their "daddy" walk them down the aisle (when the time came) and the boys deserved a sober and proud father at their sporting events. My babies will never know what it's like to make Father's Day cards and Jaliyah will never have her "daddy" at Father/Daughter dances. My boys won't have a positive role model to show them how to grow up to be men and my daughters won't have the luxury of saying "I want my husband to be just like my dad". One of my most proud moments as a mother will be when my oldest daughter graduates in 4 months. In a perfect world, that moment would be shared with mom, dad, grandpa and grandma; however, that's not the case. As in the past, there's someone missing from the storybook finish. There was always someone missing.
It’s nights like this where I need to separate myself from the past and look straight ahead toward the future. When I go to sleep tonight, I'll say an extra prayer for 8 amazing souls. I'll pray that God gives them the strength to learn from his mistakes. I'll pray that they realize their storybook finish can be rewritten and it's okay to omit certain chapters. Most of all, I pray that they realize how much they're loved and if they hold onto that love, it will carry them to the most amazing places.
As for me, I'll lay my head down tonight and sleep a little more peacefully. I’ll close my eyes knowing this wasn’t all for nothing.
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