I sit in my meager apartment and struggle to find the resources so I can provide my children their basic necessities. I left my home, family, job...everything I knew to start over. It just doesn't seem fair. I was the one beaten. I was the one abused. I was the one sexually assaulted. Why am I the one away from my home and the people who love me? Why am I struggling? The anger that wells up inside me is beyond comprehension. I feel it in every fiber of my being. At one point I probably would have said I hated him. Hated him for every bruise, broken bone, sleepless night and tear I cried. If you ask him, he'll probably say all of this is in my mind. He can't recall what I'm talking about. It's funny how we can't recall what we want to forget. Why would he have to recall anything? He doesn't have an ounce of shame or regret. He doesn't miss his kids or even care that he has children that are on the brink of homelessness. He doesn't care that I can't provide my rent money or electric money this month. He doesn't care that Christmas is coming and I can't buy the kids gifts. Why would he? He's free to live another day. Free to inflict the same pain and agony on another woman...possibly another woman like myself. Someone who thinks the world of him and gets nothing but abuse for all her love and devotion. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe not. There was a me before me and there will most likely be a me after me. I beg for clothes and money to pay my bills and he sits, jobless, and waits for a handout from a unsuspecting female. My son needs sneakers and I rely on the kindness of others to provide them. I should be able to make a phone call and say "Hey, can you send me some money because blah, blah, blah." Shoulda, coulda, woulda...but can't. I kick myself for picking him as a my husband.
I wanted to live again. I wanted to wake up and not hurt anymore. How can I make that a reality?
My anger and misery over shadowed my ability to live. If I wanted to move on, I'd have to forgive. I can't sit here and tell you that it's easy because it's one of the hardest things to do. I lived a life of physical and emotional abuse for 13 years. All those years that I wasted defined me as a person. They made me untrusting and skeptical. They made me angry and they made me hollow. I began searching for something to help me through my pain and anguish. I found God. All the emotional pain that I had buried in my heart was replaced by a profound love that I found with God! He will never abuse me. He will never forsake me. He will never leave me beaten, battered and bruised. He will never call me names. He will never leave me helpless and lonely. Most of all he will always be there for me in my time of need. He knows me and knows exactly what I need in my life. He loves me unconditionally...I am one of His children. Just as I love my children, He loves me. Just as I provide for my children, He will provide for me. All I need to do is keep my faith in Him. To most it sounds silly...to some it sounds foolish...to me, it's what saved me from my aching heart.
Matthew 6:14–15
14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
