Time

I've always had the uncanny ability to single handedly dissect and over think any situation that I'm faced with. If you ask me where I get it from, I'll say it's a defense mechanism that "protects" my heart against the forces of evil. The forces of evil being anyone who has the unfortunate luck of knowing me. Yes, I said, unfortunate luck. I seem to wreak mental havoc on unsuspecting victims. Lord only knows how I can look sweet and innocent but pounce like I'm the FBI, CIA and Secret Service all in one seemingly tidy package.  My outlook is that everyone has a motive and it's to hurt me. I guess when I look back at my life I can't blame myself for concocting the notion. My track record speaks for itself. However, I don't want to talk about the past. I'm so tired of talking about all the stupid things that have made me a mental train wreck. Let's talk about now...

I'm sad. Just sad. I cry everyday. I sleep. I sleep because it's an escape from my reality. My reality is these four walls. They trap me in my thoughts. They torture me with what I should have done or could have done but didn't. They make me think. God, I'm so tired of thinking. Just for one day I'd like to take everything at face value. I want to believe that there is good in people. Just when I think I have a handle on things, my mind interferes and beats whatever it is I'm facing into the ground until it looks like hamburger meat. Do you know how hard it is to hear the words, I love you when you feel in your heart you don't deserve it? What does he see that I don't? Why can't I see it?  I feel so abnormal and twisted . I sometimes feel like I'd be better off alone. That way I won't hurt him. Maybe my kids ARE better off where they are. Maybe everyone knows something that I don't. I'm just not seeing it. I'm so tired of being broken hearted. Just one day I don't want to cry. One day, I'd like to wake up and NOT put on my game face. I don't want to have a plan. I want to just...be. I'd never let anyone walk my path. It's a scary place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "They" say time heals all wounds. What the hell do "they" know? "They" don't live my life. "They" don't see through my eyes. "They" don't love with my heart. "They" don't know me. "They" have no idea what time does for me. Time gives me more time to think. Thinking is what I try to escape. Time is not my friend.

I've learned that the world doesn't stop spinning and time doesn't stop ticking. My greatest fear is that I'm going to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on my life. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my one amazing love because I couldn't truly see him for the wonderful, sweet and absolutely beautiful person that he is. My love. My protector. My provider. My strength. My best friend. My God given solace. The man who keeps my feet on the ground when I want to float away. I'm afraid the longer my kids are gone, they're going to forget me. They're not going to remember. Their innocent little minds will be clouded by what's going on and they'll be happy some place else. Time is not my friend.

I'm being held captive by my thoughts. I'm drowning and no one knows it.



“You never know beforehand what people are capable of, you have to wait, give it time, it's time that rules, time is our gambling partner on the other side of the table and it holds all the cards of the deck in its hand, we have to guess the winning cards of life, our lives.”  
~~José Saramago