The isolation I feel is unbareable. I sometimes wonder what other people think of me. More times than not, I just hide in my apartment not wanting to be seen or heard. My phone rings and I'll let it keep ringing because I'm not sure what to say as my mind has been buried in bad memories. Lately I try to remain positive so others can stop whispering...Why doesn't she stop complaining? Little do they know I'd give up every thing I have to be just like you.
I can't look at myself. I can't think. I can't speak. All I can do is remember all those awful things. I remember so much heartache and pain. I remember begging and pleading. I remember wishing that it would all go away. How much longer will I be this way? "They" said, just leave. It'll get better. What did "they" know? They weren't me. How come “they” give advice and have never walked a day in my shoes? Let this be a lesson to you. It's easier to be "them" than it is to be you. They don’t sit here when Isaiah cries because he hears a police siren. They aren’t here when Nate looks at me as if I’m really that crazy bitch his father said I was. They aren’t here when Elijah retells stories of how his father got drunk and slammed him against the wall because he peed to bed. Time heals all wounds... really?? How much time? Months? Years? Decades?? In my world time stands still. Time isn’t healing the knot in my stomach tonight. I feel like I'd rather rip my heart out than feel one more ounce of pain? How come the tears are flowing and I hate myself because I'm not strong enough to stop them?
Have you ever taken a bath and put your head under the water? What do you hear? Your own heart beating? Silence? I take a bubble bath every night because it’s the only time in the day when I hear nothing. I literally drown out the voices and the memories by listening to the deafening silence of nothingness. I lie there with my head submerged in water, listening. to. nothing.
“They” say it takes a smart man to learn from his mistakes and it takes a wise man to learn from the mistakes of others. Let this be a lesson...It hurts. The whole process hurts. It hurts to live with him. It hurts to see your kids suffer. It hurts to leave. It hurts to move on. It hurts to admit failure. It hurts 3 years later. The whole stinking thing hurts. Every time the memories come back I feel like I'm reliving it all again. Why do I give him so much power? It's simple. I loved with all my heart. When you love with everything you have, you don't expect it to fall apart. You don't anticipate the bottom falling out. When it happens, there isn't anything you can do but fall. I honestly don't think I'll ever love again. I'd rather build this wall as tall as I can and keep them all out. It's better that way. Right? If I keep them out, they can't hurt me. Hopefully, this way I can avoid repeating the ugly process of loving and being let down.
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Tonight, I'm having a really hard time finding that light within.....
