Since I'm snowed in and feeling some kind of way tonight, I need to set the record straight.
My actions lead people to believe that I'm some kind of emotionally lost individual. When things bother me, instead of keeping them inside, I let them out. My outlet is writing. In writing about my feelings, certain people look at me as if I'm unstable. They couldn't be further from the truth. I stay inside my mind so much, the only way to sort some of the nonsense out, is to write. I put it all on paper so I can sit back and actually read the words out loud instead of just listening to them inside my head. I'm not weak. I'm not fragile. I'm not crazy...nor am I overly emotional. I'm me. I'm a thinker. I'm analytical. I process, digest and compartmentalize everything. I go into social overload sometimes the chaos that I see in the world disturbs be to a point where I can't file everything quick enough. I become overwhelmed with thoughts. As of late, I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm uneasy and unsettled. Things aren't the way I want them to be. I'm not content. Things have become nonsensical. The buffoonery is so outrageous that I can't do anything but shake my head. I second guess myself. Maybe I WAS raised the wrong way. I don't get life.
I don't like nonsense and chaos. I have OCD. I'd rather stay home and deal with MY problems than entertain the utter stupidity that gets shot my way. Lately, my inbox is blown up with men wanting everything from conversation to pictures. There's soooo much, I don't even bother to open the messages because I'm over it all. I've retreated to recesses of my mind and have blocked out everything. I'm not about the kind of life that's out there. It seems like everyone is after some kind of debauchery and old fashioned is a thing of the past. I want what I want... why the hell am I struggling so hard to get it?
I want to yell, flag on the play! Personal Foul! Fifteen yard penalty! Jump ball! Something. Anything. Time out. Stop. Put the brakes on. WTF?!?!?
I can't finish my thoughts. I'm just ready to be done with all this foolishness. I know we all have our own definitions of normal but I want MY normal :(
She's eventually going to get tired and quit.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
Praying Empty Prayers
"I shall not lose my faith. When you lean and trust in the Lord, he will lead you down a path of righteousness."
Do you ever think that the Lord is giving you the answer to the question that you ask, however, you fail to see His answer because you're waiting for the answer you want? You pray so much for something but the answers that come back aren't what you feel are right? I have to keep telling myself that God doesn't make mistakes. The answers that He keeps giving me are what's best for me and I keep holding on because I say, No, He's got to be mistaken. That can't be right. Let me pray one more time...but those prayers are answered the same way as the previous 10, 20, 30 times I asked the question. I've come to the agonizing realization that I've turned my back on my faith and relied on me. My testimony...the many tears I've cried in pain, heartache, sorrow and hurt. Each teardrop that runs down my face and hits my pillow is proof as to how unreliable my decisions are. Waking up with a pain that runs so deep in my chest that I can't do anything but close my eyes and go back to sleep, is my testimony that I'm doing it wrong.
“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.”
My soul feels closed and cold. My heart is shallow and broken. Each one of these lonely tears is a lesson to be learned. Trust in God for he shall lead you down a righteous path. If I open my eyes to the Love that God faithfully gives to me, maybe I shall feel wonderful again? He is the only one that will never forsake me.
Do you ever think that the Lord is giving you the answer to the question that you ask, however, you fail to see His answer because you're waiting for the answer you want? You pray so much for something but the answers that come back aren't what you feel are right? I have to keep telling myself that God doesn't make mistakes. The answers that He keeps giving me are what's best for me and I keep holding on because I say, No, He's got to be mistaken. That can't be right. Let me pray one more time...but those prayers are answered the same way as the previous 10, 20, 30 times I asked the question. I've come to the agonizing realization that I've turned my back on my faith and relied on me. My testimony...the many tears I've cried in pain, heartache, sorrow and hurt. Each teardrop that runs down my face and hits my pillow is proof as to how unreliable my decisions are. Waking up with a pain that runs so deep in my chest that I can't do anything but close my eyes and go back to sleep, is my testimony that I'm doing it wrong.
“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.”
My soul feels closed and cold. My heart is shallow and broken. Each one of these lonely tears is a lesson to be learned. Trust in God for he shall lead you down a righteous path. If I open my eyes to the Love that God faithfully gives to me, maybe I shall feel wonderful again? He is the only one that will never forsake me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)