A Father's Worth

This blog probably has nothing to do with the physical pain I went through when I was with my children's father, but, I think it fits nicely into the topic of domestic violence.

For the past week or so I've been feeling really bad because I'm unable to provide financially for my children. We struggle daily for basic necessities like toilet paper, sneakers and clothes.  Now that school is upon us, so are the stresses of September birthdays, school shopping...and eventually the holidays. I get down on myself quite frequently because as a mother, I should be able to provide these things.  Ask me how I've managed to keep my lights on and I'll tell you by the grace of God. I've become quite good at surviving by bare minimals...after my calculations, I'm not ashamed to say that my bills equal approximately $200 a month...and that's on a bad month. However, what kind of parent am I where I can't come up with $200 dollars? More times than not, I feel like the scum of the earth...inadequate...useless...pathetic..and shameful.  

I know if I were healthy, I wouldn't be in this position. I'd be able to work and give my babies everything that they need. BUT...circumstances have dictated that it's not possible. I'd trade my illness for the opportunity to walk out my door on any given day to work. Alas, my colon less body forbids it. It would rather have me vomit in the morning because my stomach refuses to digest my meal from the night before, and have me in the bathroom all day because my body can't or just won't digest any form of healthy food...than to lead any kind of functioning life. Just in case the thought popped in your head that I'm just lazy...please dismiss it because lazy, I am not.

Fast forward through my disability denials and the denials of any state aid because bureaucracy is the wart on the ass of society...Apparently a doctor saying that I'm unable to work just isn't good enough for the Gods of social services. According to them, I'm not disabled because Social Security has yet to deem me disabled. While I'm being denied help..A) my kids go without, and B) I can't afford the $15 dollars I need to pick up my 5 prescriptions that I desperately need to function on a 10% level...which I've been without for the past 2 months. However, my needs are a mute point at this time.

Fast forward again, to the actual purpose of this post... My children's father's inability to act and do as a father should. If he would put on his big boy undies and act like a 49 year old man, instead of 20 year old child, maybe...just maybe...my kids would have the things that they need.  Since when is it only one parent's responsibility to provide for any child? If that was the case, I would have gotten myself pregnant. So, because said "loser" would rather smoke crack, beat his girlfriend and drink himself to death, MY kids go without. He'd rather go to prison at the age of 49 than act like a grown man and take care of his responsibilities. If people would stop enabling his sorry ass, maybe he'd have to stand on his two feet. Please save the, "OMG, I can't believe she just said that" speech because ya'll know it happens. He deserves to be humiliated. He deserves to have people look at him like HE'S the scum of the earth...inadequate...useless...pathetic...and shameful. He's lucky I don't plaster his name and social security number all over my blog and say, have at it...BUT I'm not like that. I have a good heart. I do the things I have to do as a parent. I provide EVERYTHING within my means for my children. I DO IT!! I may feel bad because I wish I could do more...I may feel worthless and shameful..but I know in my heart of hearts...I'd do anything for my kids. I may not be able to sleep at night because I worry constantly about them; but, as long as I know I did what I could for that day, my guilt is forgiven. I wonder how many men can say the same.

In the words of Albany County Family Court Judge Margaret T. Walsh, "You can't make a man be a father."

No, you can't, but you can make him pay for his children.  

So I ask the question, "What is my children's father's worth?" Please don't have me answer. He's right up there next to my biological father...

Fooled Yet Again...

As much as we'd like to believe that our past experiences help us make better decisions in the future, I'm here to officially say that's not always the case.  Unbeknownst to most of my friends, up until a few short weeks ago, I was seeing this guy for a while.  After I left my ex husband, I promised myself that I'd never let another man abuse me; whether it be physical, emotional or sexual abuse, it was never going to happen to me again. Well, in theory that sounds like a splendid plan. Can't you just see the headlines? "Woman leaves abusive ex-husband a stronger and better person," Yeah, not so much. I found myself in a "relationship" with someone who never physically harmed me; but, would mentally torment me.  I wasn't skinny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough or beautiful enough. I wasn't all the things that he hoped I'd be. I wasn't perfect. I somehow mustered up the strength to end it before it turned physical...but I sit here with even more emotional scars and mental wounds.

I applaud women who are strong enough to realize that they're worth so much more. I wish with everything in my soul that I was one of them. My life is filled with so many broken dreams, broken promises and empty words. Do I have a sign on my heart that says, use and abuse me?

I don't know what hurts worse. Is it the fact that I actually believe all those things or is it the fact that I learned absolutely nothing from my ex? Do I want to be loved so much that I'd sacrifice myself for it? Am I destined to be this pathetic weak woman that others see me as? I can't seem to see past the nose on my face tonight...I feel so alone surrounded by so many good people.

What scares me the most is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to figure this out.