What Children Want

I was awake most of the night thinking about my kids and how I still feel that I let them down because I didn't leave their father soon enough.  In keeping with my therapist's wishes, I try to downplay my guilt because I was traumatized.  In his words, a traumatized woman thinks with a traumatized mind. Of course this only works for so long.  Guilt will make the strongest individual fall to their knees and quit.  Sometimes it's so hard to sit here, miles away from my family and say I made the right decision.  Don't get me wrong, I love my new found friends and family...I have some of the best in Charlotte :o) My church is amazing and so giving, and even the strangers I've encountered have blessed me beyond words.  However, my invisible enemy, guilt, won't let me be.
In order to keep myself from falling to my knees yet again, I've come up with a small list of what children want and don't want.  For all you woman who struggle with the decisions you made and wonder if they were the rights ones for you and your family, please pay close attention.

Children want happiness
Children want safety
Children want support
Children want love
Children want kindness
Children want time on mommy's lap
Children want hugs and kisses goodnight
Children want a mommy and not a best friend
Children want to live in peace
Children want to be heard
Children want comfort
Children want understanding
Children want to know that their mommy is safe
Children want to live free of fear
Children want honesty
Children want approval
Children want acceptance
Children want fairness
Children want praise

Most of all, children would rather live a lifetime in poverty then live one day without their mommy.

The last one resonates with me constantly. I see it everyday with my children.  We don't have the things we used to. They don't have the best toys or the nicest clothes.  They don't have a big house and we don't drive a fancy car. However, if you ask them what they want, it's not a bigger tv or the latest toy.  They want their mommy.  They want me to tuck them in at night, tell them I love them and kiss them on their eyes, nose, mouth cheeks, forehead and ears :o) They want mommy to say their bedtime prayer with them and kiss all their stuffed animal friends before I leave their bedroom.  They want their mommy to fix their cereal for breakfast and take them to the park in the afternoon.  They want mommy to kiss their boo boos and high five them when they bring home passing grades. 

So before you beat yourself up about the decision to leave...or you have guilt about barely having enough money for bills...look at your beautiful children and think about what they really want.  They want you. If you stayed in your abusive relationship, chances are they wouldn't have you for very long. 

I'd like to leave you with these little thoughts

(Psalm 127:3-5) Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

(John 16:21) When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.

(Matthew 18:1-3)  At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

(Proverbs 22:6) Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Domestic Abuse, Divorce and Religion

After having a conversation with a friend of mine, I've decided to write a little bit about the topic of domestic abuse, divorce and religion.  The religious woman whose spirit is being crushed by domestic violence is faced with a unique burden. Although she faces the same issues that other victims face, she also faces religious or biblical concerns.  These concerns make it difficult to admit there's an issue and more times than not she fears eternal condemnation. So what is she to do? Well let me be the first to tell you. 

When faced with my own dilemma, I researched the topic online and read every scripture available to find the answer.  The Bible can be a very scary place when you're a woman in a abusive situation.  I came across scriptures such as this...

we should submit to our husband as unto Christ (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18), even where our husband is not acting in a Christ-like manner (1 Pet. 3:1) our body no longer belongs to us but to our husband - what right do we therefore have to object to his treatment of it/us? (1 Cor. 7:4) 

What?!? I have to submit even if my husband isn't acting in a Christ-like manner??  Does this mean when he comes home drunk and wants "marital relations" I have to submit? What if he forces himself on me? I still have to submit? The behavior definitely isn't Christ-like.  What if I don't have dinner done in time and he slams me up against the wall? Do I still have to submit? Being physically abusive definitely isn't Christ-like.  No wonder women get so confused and don't know what to do.  If you follow the Word and it's telling you to submit, what in the world do you do? If the previous scripture isn't enough to scare the living daylights out of you, here's another one that won't make you feel any better. It's well noted in the bible that God hated divorce. 
Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).

(Thank you Pastor Scott for our conversation today)

We believe that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13), and hence that no matter how hard the abuse, we can bear it and it is a lack of faith to give up and escape it, but God will find the solution and end it. I can go on for hours...there are dozens of scriptures just like this.

So where does that leave those of us in situations that are unhealthy and abusive/violent? Many people believe that the Bible does not deal with the issues of violence and abuse, that domestic violence is a modern problem and therefore God is silent on it in Scripture. Yet human nature does not change with time, and while the Lord condemned violence and offered hope and comfort to the oppressed 2000 years ago, His words are just as current now as they were in the time of Jesus.

The following are some scriptures that I've found that address the issues of violence and those who use it.

Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.

Zephaniah 1:9 In the same day also will I punish all those that leap on the threshold, which fill their masters' houses with violence and deceit.

Psalms 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.

This last one is one of my favorites...

(Ephesians 5:25-27) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

When we think of Christ’s sacrifice for the church we immediately think about the cross. He died for us.  He had so much love in his heart and soul that he sacrificed himself for the love of church... and the love of mankind. I ask you this question...If your husband is beating you, humiliating you, verbally and emotionally abusing you...does he love you as Christ loved the church?  We all know the answer...No. The answer is as simple as that. No.

I may be wrong but I'm going to put my own spin on the topic.  We live in a world full of modern rules and laws. Divorce today is much different than divorce in biblical days.  When a man wanted to divorce his wife in biblical times, did he pay an attorney a retainer fee, go to court, fight over marital property, split the cost of the kids health insurance and pay child support? I don't think so.  Once a man abuses his wife, in my opinion, all bets are off.  He violated one of the most cherished and sacred relationships... the relationship between a husband and wife.  Divorce or no divorce...it's over...finished...put a period at the end. He gets no second chance. His second chance could be your last chance....

Let me leave with this...I call them the golden rules of the Bible :o)

Christ has called us unto Peace, not fear, he has called us to follow his example of serving one another, not dominating each other, he has called us to Truth, not to deceit and hypocrisy. Christ has called us to Love, not to abuse...

Eph. 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

Colossians 3:12,13 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

2 Peter 1:7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

Matthew 18:33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Romans 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.

I'm not a religious expert...my relationship with God and Christ began a short 6 months ago. However, I do know that there is no greater love than the love of Christ... When we open our hearts to the pure love of Christ we can fully understand what it truly means to love and be loved.

Before you make the decision to stay in an abusive relationship because you think that's what is commanded of you in the Bible, ask yourself this....Is my experience within this relationship what God intended for me?  Is being fearful in our marriage an aspect of love?



No Place for Abuse - Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence , by Catherine Clark Kroeger & Nancy Nason-Clark, InterVarsity Press, Illinois

The Letter I Wish I Could Send

 It's been a few years and since I've never been able to truly express my feelings to you about our life together, I'm going to take this opportunity to put my feelings down on paper.  Personally, my feelings won't be hurt if you don't read this as I've learned to expect nothing but disappointment from you. With that being said, I'd hope for the first time, you would take my feelings into consideration and give me this one thing...Closure.  You can give me satisfaction by admitting your blame in our failed marriage.  No more hiding behind your lies or excuses.  No more blaming me.  Do the one thing that you've never been able to do...tell the truth.

Since the moment I met you, I thought you were the one for me.  You made me promises that any young woman would love to hear from a man. You promised to love me. You promised to protect me.  Had I known those words were as empty as your heart, I would have run in the opposite direction.  I could have saved myself the heartache of knowing what the past years of my life would look like.  If only you knew what you truly did to me; what you did to us. Maybe, deep down inside, that's why I'm writing this. You need a reality check.  You need to know that I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I still see the fat, disgusting, pig that no one will ever love.  You need to know that when I lie down and close my eyes, I have nightmares about you coming home intoxicated and high.  I have nightmares about you beating me because I wouldn't give you my last $20.  You need to know that I'll probably never fully trust another man as long as I live because I know deep down inside, he'll be just like you. You need to know that my skin crawls at the sight, sound and smells of certain things because they remind me of you. How did this happen? How did I let you do this to me? How did I let you consume almost twenty years of my life?  Up until recently, I would have answered those questions with a simple, because I wasn't good enough. However, I know differently.  It happened because you manipulated me into believing I was worthless.  You made me fear you.  You made me believe that I couldn’t do this without you. You made me think that I deserved it.  Shame on me for letting you do this…no, shame on you for not being the man you said you would be.

This is just you and I.  No more lies. You had everyone believing that I was crazy. You had everyone believing that I caused all of our arguments.  If only I shut my mouth. If only I cleaned better and controlled the kids more, you wouldn’t get angry.  Little did they know I wasn't the problem.  Little did they know you had a dirty little secret called addiction. Not just an addiction to alcohol but to crack cocaine too.  You can’t deny it.  This is you and I.  I know the truth.  You know the truth.  Your need to feed your addiction, almost killed me.  Your need for more, brutalized me.  I remember every bruise, broken bone and concussion like it happened yesterday.  I can name the day, time and place of each of them.  I can point to every scar on my body and recall the exact circumstance surrounding its existence.  I can even recall the pathetic story I told when I was asked, what happened? 

One thing that I’ll probably never understand is why you chose your addictions over us?  You chose alcohol and drugs over me and your kids.  How does that make you feel?  Good?  You single handedly destroyed the lives of 5 beautiful babies and a woman who would have given you the world.  You tossed us away like we were an empty beer can.  You walked all over us.  You assumed we would always be there to clean up your mess.  You assumed I was always going to be your punching bag and your doormat.  Your assumptions proved dead wrong.

You verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me…all in the name of love.  I used to hate you.  I used to wish you would know how it felt to be used and abused.  That was when I used to care.  I feel nothing inside when I think about you.  There isn't fear.  There isn't anxiety.  There isn't love.  There's a place in my heart that used to be filled with all the love, hope and promise that any woman could give her husband.  You took that place, turned it upside down, stepped on it and left it to die.  After I write this letter, I'll take that place, turn it around, brush off your footprint and bring it back to life.  Next time, I'll give it to someone who deserves it.

So I sit here…with a few questions of my own.  How will it feel, when you realize that your sons learned to be grown men by watching another man?  How will it feel when Jaliyah walks down the aisle on her wedding day and the man she calls daddy, looks nothing like you?  How will it feel when Lizzy graduates this summer and instead of having you there, you’ll be sitting inside a small jail cell, alone.   More importantly, how does it feel knowing you had it all and now have nothing?? 

No need to answer.

I Heard it Through the Grapevine

I know it's been a while since my last post but there have been so many wonderful and amazing things happening in my life; all of which have left me a bit overwhelmed and almost ADHD like :o)

The reason for my post this evening is because I heard some news that stirred some pretty crazy emotions in me.  I thought for sure I'd be jumping up and down and doing all kinds of weird dance moves (I have the mental image of Elaine on Seinfeld dancing in the elevator), on the contrary, I feel a bit down.

 

I received a phone call today and was told my ex-husband was sentenced to one and a half to four years in prison and is currently on his was to Downstate Correctional Facility in NY.  Part of me can't help but smile because he finally got what he deserved.  He single handedly tortured, abused, neglected, and traumatized 3 woman and it's about darn time NY State finally smartened up and put some kind of end to his abuse.  It's about time he realizes it's against the law to violate a woman.  When most of us think about the word violate, we think of the worst crimes that can be inflicted on a woman...physical, emotional, verbal, mental and sexual...all of which I suffered at the hands of the man that promised to love, honor and cherish me.

I thought for sure the news would have made me happy and would have lifted this huge burden off my shoulders but the earth didn't move my emotions nor did the news make me feel any better.  If anything, it stirred all the feelings of sorrow and sympathy I wrestle with daily.  Not sorrow and sympathy for him but for his children; my children and his adult children.  I can’t help but think about these eight beautiful, smart, funny and talented children who didn’t get the perfect family.  I feel so much sorrow because they all deserved to have the best dad that God could have given them.  They deserved bedtime kisses and sober fishing trips.  The girls deserved to have their "daddy" walk them down the aisle (when the time came) and the boys deserved a sober and proud father at their sporting events. My babies will never know what it's like to make Father's Day cards and Jaliyah will never have her "daddy" at Father/Daughter dances.  My boys won't have a positive role model to show them how to grow up to be men and my daughters won't have the luxury of saying "I want my husband to be just like my dad".  One of my most proud moments as a mother will be when my oldest daughter graduates in 4 months.  In a perfect world, that moment would be shared with mom, dad, grandpa and grandma; however, that's not the case. As in the past, there's someone missing from the storybook finish.  There was always someone missing.

It’s nights like this where I need to separate myself from the past and look straight ahead toward the future.  When I go to sleep tonight, I'll say an extra prayer for 8 amazing souls.  I'll pray that God gives them the strength to learn from his mistakes. I'll pray that they realize their storybook finish can be rewritten and it's okay to omit certain chapters.  Most of all, I pray that they realize how much they're loved and if they hold onto that love, it will carry them to the most amazing places.

As for me, I'll lay my head down tonight and sleep a little more peacefully.  I’ll close my eyes knowing this wasn’t all for nothing.

Let This Be A Lesson...

As I sit here contemplating how the heck I'm going to pay my rent in the next seven days, it brings me to a topic I'd like to share.


Although I may sound cynical today (please, if you were in my shoes, I wouldn't blame you for your negative thoughts), I really do have all my faculties and know exactly what I'm talking about.


I recently spoke to a class about domestic violence. As I stood at the front of the class, I managed to catch myself off guard.  The realization that I've been going through this nonsense with my kids father, for 13 plus years, is absolutely absurd. It's a never ending path of torture and torment.  Let this be a lesson to all you young women out there who stay with an abusive man for love.  I'm living proof that love only gets you so far.  My situation is as bad as I think it can get.  I say as bad as "I" because this literally is the worst. We've lived in a DV shelter but even at that point there was always a hope that things would get better. I had a means to support the kids and I. Today, I have NO means. There's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No miracle job that's waiting for me. No NOTHING. This is it.
I'm digressing a bit from the actual purpose of my post this morning.  Finances and your future have a lot to do with the type of man that you choose to date/marry. If I had looked a little closer at my ex and not focused so much on "I LOVE HIM". I wouldn't be in this situation. So here I sit, in a state away from my family, forgetting my faith and holding resentment toward the man that put me here.  I try not to stereotype individuals but I'm going to put myself out there right now and say, if you're with a man that will abuse you, chances are he'll be a deadbeat father. Very rarely does a man who abuses his woman, have enough common decency to take care of his children. If he'll beat you, degrade you and take your money, why would you believe that he'll give you that money back in order to support his children.  Abusers are selfish.  They don't think about their victims. Their victims being you and your children.  He's thinking about what makes "HIM" comfortable. What meets "HIS" needs. His needs are for you to obey him. He wants to know where you are.  When you'll be home. Why it took so long. He wants to  know who called you.  He's comfortable knowing that he's taken you away from your own life. He's alienated you from your friends and family.  He even, in certain circumstances, has taken the love of your children from you. I'm still fighting for my children's respect.  If I had a dollar for every time "HE" told them they didn't have to listen to me because I was a bitch, I wouldn't be sitting here days away from being evicted from my home.


All I'm trying to say is that there's so much more at stake than losing the love of a man.  It hurts. The effects are never ending. I know we all want that fairy tale life but you have to be strong enough to see through the deception.  If you sit and ask yourself if the drama is worth it, you've all ready answered your question by asking it.  There's no amount of drama worth your life. A man that loves you won't degrade you.  He won't hit you or walk all over you.  Love is beautiful. He'll be kind and generous. He'll be loving and compassionate.




As I've said in the past, I'm on my journey to finding my relationship with God.  I'd like to leave you with this...


Scripture says love others as you would love yourself. We women do not think we are worth loving so we become doormats so that we can gain acceptance. This only makes the man who has been taught to disrespect women all of his life all the worse in this behavior. It is like adding fuel to a fire already lit by his behavior. We women have to come to the realization that the ultimate Father in heaven does not want his little girls hurt and would not condone this kind of treatment so we must not condone it either.


"Forgive them Father for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34)


“Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, For this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, Including every hidden thing, Whether it is good or evil.  (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)

How do I live again?

I've had hundreds of questions running through my mind for several months now.  How do I stop blaming myself? Stop blaming myself for my error in judgement. How do I stop blaming myself for not seeing the warning signs?  How do I stop blaming him and forgive him?  Him! Why in the world would I want to forgive him? The answer is simple. So I can live.

I sit in my meager apartment and struggle to find the resources so I can provide my children their basic necessities. I left my home, family, job...everything I knew to start over. It just doesn't seem fair. I was the one beaten. I was the one abused. I was the one sexually assaulted. Why am I the one away from my home and the people who love me? Why am I struggling? The anger that wells up inside me is beyond comprehension. I feel it in every fiber of my being. At one point I probably would have said I hated him. Hated him for every bruise, broken bone, sleepless night and tear I cried. If you ask him, he'll probably say all of this is in my mind. He can't recall what I'm talking about. It's funny how we can't recall what we want to forget. Why would he have to recall anything? He doesn't have an ounce of shame or regret. He doesn't miss his kids or even care that he has children that are on the brink of homelessness. He doesn't care that I can't provide my rent money or electric money this month. He doesn't care that Christmas is coming and I can't buy the kids gifts. Why would he? He's free to live another day. Free to inflict the same pain and agony on another woman...possibly another woman like myself. Someone who thinks the world of him and gets nothing but abuse for all her love and devotion. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe not. There was a me before me and there will most likely be a me after me. I beg for clothes and money to pay my bills and he sits, jobless, and waits for a handout from a unsuspecting female. My son needs sneakers and I rely on the kindness of others to provide them. I should be able to make a phone call and say "Hey, can you send me some money because blah, blah, blah." Shoulda, coulda, woulda...but can't. I kick myself for picking him as a my husband.

I wanted to live again. I wanted to wake up and not hurt anymore. How can I make that a reality?

My anger and misery over shadowed my ability to live. If I wanted to move on, I'd have to forgive. I can't sit here and tell you that it's easy because it's one of the hardest things to do. I lived a life of physical and emotional abuse for 13 years. All those years that I wasted defined me as a person. They made me untrusting and skeptical. They made me angry and they made me hollow. I began searching for something to help me through my pain and anguish. I found God. All the emotional pain that I had buried in my heart was replaced by a profound love that I found with God! He will never abuse me. He will never forsake me. He will never leave me beaten, battered and bruised. He will never call me names. He will never leave me helpless and lonely. Most of all he will always be there for me in my time of need. He knows me and knows exactly what I need in my life. He loves me unconditionally...I am one of His children. Just as I love my children, He loves me. Just as I provide for my children, He will provide for me. All I need to do is keep my faith in Him. To most it sounds silly...to some it sounds foolish...to me, it's what saved me from my aching heart.

Matthew 6:14–15

14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

The Vicious Cycle of Abuse

When I sit here and think about the 13 years I spent with my abuser, I can't help but think of all the wasted time I can never get back.  I've just recently gained a new found appreciation for live as I've been faced with my own mortality.
I often contemplate my life and all the years I could have or should have changed something, however, no matter how hard I try I'll never get those lost years back.  In 2007 I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that causes cancer.  Well, I was technically diagnosed the next year but everything starting falling apart back in 2007.  It's been such a hard struggle and I still can't look at myself and figure out how I've made it this far. 

I'll never speak ill of my parents and I love them dearly, however, growing up, it wasn't peaches and cream.  We often struggled to make ends meet but my parents always provided our necessities.  We never went without food, clothes or a roof over our heads, however, before my mother met my step father it was a much different story...
I have vivid memories of my mother being physically abused.  I have a vision that plays over and over in my head.  My mother was standing in our bathroom and this man (who shall remain nameless) walked into the bathroom and started arguing with her.  He had a can of vegetable in his hand and threw them at her stomach.  I don't remember much after that as I ran away as fast as I could.  I remember so many fights and arguments.  It seems that was a staple in our home.  As well rounded children we grow up with a positive expectation of what life should be but what happens when our perception of normal isn't really normal?  Normal to a child that grew up in an abusive home isn't normal to one that grew up with love, understanding and compassion. We learn what we live.  When I grew up and met my abuser, I knew in my heart it didn't feel right but I let it go because it's what I remember as a child.  This was the way it's supposed to be.  Domestic Violence is a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped.  It's up to us, as women, to say, no more. If we don't want our daughters to be abused, then we need not be abused.  If we don't want our sons to be abusers, then we bring them up on righteous path.  We all have the ability to break the cycle.

How do we break the cycle?

The first step is to recognize the abuse.  Domestic abuse can be anything from verbal abuse (calling you names and/or threatening you) to physical violence (kicking, punching, pushing).  It can also be something less obvious as jealousy or alienation (alienating you from family and friends).

The next step is to tell someone.  Tell anyone; your friend, neighbor or doctor.  It may be hard to open up at first but you'll feel so much better afterwards.  Don't be afraid or ashamed.. This isn't your fault and people want to help you. 

Third step is to create a safety plan.  Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time when the abuser is not around or from a friend's house or other safe location.  Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Hide it or leave the bag with a friend or neighbor. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.  One other very important piece of information.  A lot of abusers threaten to take your children.  One thing that helped me throughout my journey was keeping every piece of information regarding the abuse.  I kept police reports, phone and hospital records.  I had my boss keep records in my personnel file just in case I ever needed proof of something.  I was able to go to family court and get full, legal custody of my children.  The courts will help you.  Most courts, if not all, have domestic violence advocates to help you through the process.  Lean on them for support.  Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night. 

Of course these are only suggestions but they worked for me and my children. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. Call the hotline for crisis intervention and referrals to resources, such as women's shelters.