When I sit here and think about the 13 years I spent with my abuser, I can't help but think of all the wasted time I can never get back. I've just recently gained a new found appreciation for live as I've been faced with my own mortality.
I often contemplate my life and all the years I could have or should have changed something, however, no matter how hard I try I'll never get those lost years back. In 2007 I was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that causes cancer. Well, I was technically diagnosed the next year but everything starting falling apart back in 2007. It's been such a hard struggle and I still can't look at myself and figure out how I've made it this far.
I'll never speak ill of my parents and I love them dearly, however, growing up, it wasn't peaches and cream. We often struggled to make ends meet but my parents always provided our necessities. We never went without food, clothes or a roof over our heads, however, before my mother met my step father it was a much different story...
I have vivid memories of my mother being physically abused. I have a vision that plays over and over in my head. My mother was standing in our bathroom and this man (who shall remain nameless) walked into the bathroom and started arguing with her. He had a can of vegetable in his hand and threw them at her stomach. I don't remember much after that as I ran away as fast as I could. I remember so many fights and arguments. It seems that was a staple in our home. As well rounded children we grow up with a positive expectation of what life should be but what happens when our perception of normal isn't really normal? Normal to a child that grew up in an abusive home isn't normal to one that grew up with love, understanding and compassion. We learn what we live. When I grew up and met my abuser, I knew in my heart it didn't feel right but I let it go because it's what I remember as a child. This was the way it's supposed to be. Domestic Violence is a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped. It's up to us, as women, to say, no more. If we don't want our daughters to be abused, then we need not be abused. If we don't want our sons to be abusers, then we bring them up on righteous path. We all have the ability to break the cycle.
How do we break the cycle?
The first step is to recognize the abuse. Domestic abuse can be anything from verbal abuse (calling you names and/or threatening you) to physical violence (kicking, punching, pushing). It can also be something less obvious as jealousy or alienation (alienating you from family and friends).
The next step is to tell someone. Tell anyone; your friend, neighbor or doctor. It may be hard to open up at first but you'll feel so much better afterwards. Don't be afraid or ashamed.. This isn't your fault and people want to help you.
Third step is to create a safety plan. Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time when the abuser is not around or from a friend's house or other safe location. Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Hide it or leave the bag with a friend or neighbor. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice. One other very important piece of information. A lot of abusers threaten to take your children. One thing that helped me throughout my journey was keeping every piece of information regarding the abuse. I kept police reports, phone and hospital records. I had my boss keep records in my personnel file just in case I ever needed proof of something. I was able to go to family court and get full, legal custody of my children. The courts will help you. Most courts, if not all, have domestic violence advocates to help you through the process. Lean on them for support. Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.
Of course these are only suggestions but they worked for me and my children.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. Call the hotline for crisis intervention and referrals to resources, such as women's shelters.
Keep writing!! Praise God that you were able to escape! I too was raised in a very abusive home, but my mother never left...lots of mixed emotions about that. I vowed to never become a victim of an abuser. Praise God, I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and he has never called me out of my name, put his hands on me or anything that my mom went through. I prayed the cycle would end and not be passed on to my children! I will keep praying for that! God wants to restore the foundations laid long ago, which is Christ as the Corner Stone! Amen! Praying for you my sister!
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