The Letter I Wish I Could Send

 It's been a few years and since I've never been able to truly express my feelings to you about our life together, I'm going to take this opportunity to put my feelings down on paper.  Personally, my feelings won't be hurt if you don't read this as I've learned to expect nothing but disappointment from you. With that being said, I'd hope for the first time, you would take my feelings into consideration and give me this one thing...Closure.  You can give me satisfaction by admitting your blame in our failed marriage.  No more hiding behind your lies or excuses.  No more blaming me.  Do the one thing that you've never been able to do...tell the truth.

Since the moment I met you, I thought you were the one for me.  You made me promises that any young woman would love to hear from a man. You promised to love me. You promised to protect me.  Had I known those words were as empty as your heart, I would have run in the opposite direction.  I could have saved myself the heartache of knowing what the past years of my life would look like.  If only you knew what you truly did to me; what you did to us. Maybe, deep down inside, that's why I'm writing this. You need a reality check.  You need to know that I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I still see the fat, disgusting, pig that no one will ever love.  You need to know that when I lie down and close my eyes, I have nightmares about you coming home intoxicated and high.  I have nightmares about you beating me because I wouldn't give you my last $20.  You need to know that I'll probably never fully trust another man as long as I live because I know deep down inside, he'll be just like you. You need to know that my skin crawls at the sight, sound and smells of certain things because they remind me of you. How did this happen? How did I let you do this to me? How did I let you consume almost twenty years of my life?  Up until recently, I would have answered those questions with a simple, because I wasn't good enough. However, I know differently.  It happened because you manipulated me into believing I was worthless.  You made me fear you.  You made me believe that I couldn’t do this without you. You made me think that I deserved it.  Shame on me for letting you do this…no, shame on you for not being the man you said you would be.

This is just you and I.  No more lies. You had everyone believing that I was crazy. You had everyone believing that I caused all of our arguments.  If only I shut my mouth. If only I cleaned better and controlled the kids more, you wouldn’t get angry.  Little did they know I wasn't the problem.  Little did they know you had a dirty little secret called addiction. Not just an addiction to alcohol but to crack cocaine too.  You can’t deny it.  This is you and I.  I know the truth.  You know the truth.  Your need to feed your addiction, almost killed me.  Your need for more, brutalized me.  I remember every bruise, broken bone and concussion like it happened yesterday.  I can name the day, time and place of each of them.  I can point to every scar on my body and recall the exact circumstance surrounding its existence.  I can even recall the pathetic story I told when I was asked, what happened? 

One thing that I’ll probably never understand is why you chose your addictions over us?  You chose alcohol and drugs over me and your kids.  How does that make you feel?  Good?  You single handedly destroyed the lives of 5 beautiful babies and a woman who would have given you the world.  You tossed us away like we were an empty beer can.  You walked all over us.  You assumed we would always be there to clean up your mess.  You assumed I was always going to be your punching bag and your doormat.  Your assumptions proved dead wrong.

You verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused me…all in the name of love.  I used to hate you.  I used to wish you would know how it felt to be used and abused.  That was when I used to care.  I feel nothing inside when I think about you.  There isn't fear.  There isn't anxiety.  There isn't love.  There's a place in my heart that used to be filled with all the love, hope and promise that any woman could give her husband.  You took that place, turned it upside down, stepped on it and left it to die.  After I write this letter, I'll take that place, turn it around, brush off your footprint and bring it back to life.  Next time, I'll give it to someone who deserves it.

So I sit here…with a few questions of my own.  How will it feel, when you realize that your sons learned to be grown men by watching another man?  How will it feel when Jaliyah walks down the aisle on her wedding day and the man she calls daddy, looks nothing like you?  How will it feel when Lizzy graduates this summer and instead of having you there, you’ll be sitting inside a small jail cell, alone.   More importantly, how does it feel knowing you had it all and now have nothing?? 

No need to answer.