I was going to wait until later on to go into details about my personal reasons/excuses for staying and finally leaving my abusive husband, however, someone approached me yesterday and I thought it was really important to share those today.
I'm a firm believer that there's a difference between an excuse and a reason for doing or not doing something. I see a reason as an explanation for why something is the way it is. A reason is usually a rational thought made by clear thinking. An excuse is an explanation for why something is the way it is, that involves the blame being put on something else or in some occasions, ourselves. Excuses are usually irrational thoughts driven by emotions.
I'm going to make a little bucket list of reasons/excuses that I feel all victims of domestic violence think about. When I'm finished I'd like to point out something very interesting to you.
Excuses for Staying
1. I have to stay because I can't take children's father away from them.
2. I have to stay because it's my responsibility to keep my family together.
3. I have to stay because I'm afraid I can't make it on my own.
4. I have to stay because I'm afraid of the unknown.
5. I have to stay because it's my duty to be a good wife.
6. I have to stay because I'm scared to leave.
7. I have to stay because I love him.
8. I have to stay because I can't take my kids away from their home, family and friends.
9. I have to stay because it's going to hurt seeing him with another woman.
Reasons for Leaving
1. I'm leaving because this is unhealthy for me.
2. I'm leaving because we deserve better.
3. I'm leaving because I'm afraid to stay.
4. I'm leaving because I want to live.
5. I'm leaving because I have courage and strength.
6. I'm leaving because this is unfair to my children.
7. I'm leaving because there is no love here.
I probably could have made these lists a mile long, however, I just wanted to make a point. I have them categorized under two heading. Excuses for staying. Reasons for leaving. If you look at my list of excuses, you clearly see a pattern of self blame and statements made by emotions. I'm afraid to leave. I love him. My children need their father. I can't see him with someone else. I blamed myself and my children.
My reasons for leaving were built on rational thoughts and with a clear head. There is no love here. I want to live. I have courage and strength. We deserve better.
I do a lot of thinking about the past and the reasons why I've done the things I've done or said the things I've said. I can remember dozens of times when I arrived at work with a black eye or bruise. I even showed up on an occasion or two with broken bones. I knew my boss and co-workers knew the truth but I always felt the need to make an excuse for what happened. I didn't want people to laugh at me. I didn't want others to look down upon me. Even in some sick irrational thinking, I didn't want anyone to think bad of him. With all that being said, my black eye was caused by being hit with a baseball while playing with my kids. My broken elbow was caused by tripping Thanksgiving morning and hitting my elbow on the table. My broken finger was caused by shutting the car door on it. In reality I was beaten, broken and bloodied by the man that I didn't want people to look down upon. We as domestic violence victims tend to make any excuse conceivable so no one knows our dirty little secret. I'm here today to say NO MORE EXCUSES!!! Start making those lists of reasons. I can make it on my own. I can live free of fear. I can be the mother, sister, daughter that God wants me to be. He can't take anything else away from you unless you let him. He's taken your pride. He's taken your dignity. In some occasions, he's taken your friends and family. Don't let him take your life too. I make this promise to you. It's hard BUT in the end it's so very worth it. There are times when you'll want to give up and run back because you just know your heart is going to fall from your chest. There will be times when the tears will stream from your eyes because you know you're not going to make it. I'm here to tell you, you will make it. I did. I leaned on complete strangers. There are so many good people in this world who will help you. You're never alone.
In the next few weeks I'm going to post a list of resources that can help someone in need of assistance. I've been in your shoes. I've lived in a domestic violence shelter. My children and I started over with nothing...
In my road to healing I'd like to make my first confession. I know there are members of my family that don't know the true reasons behind us leaving. I left because I was afraid. I was afraid to sleep at night. I was afraid my children weren't going to have a mother one day. I felt I couldn't ask for help. I didn't want anyone to know the full extent of the abuse I suffered. I let you see the person I wanted you to see, not the person I really was.
One of my favorite people to quote is Eleanore Roosevelt. She was a very smart woman and I'd like to leave you with this...
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Psalm 112:4
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
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