The painful effects of an abusive relationship reach so much farther than the emotional or physical wounds we feel as the primary victim. It also affects our children, friends and family. In my situation, although I felt the blows, suffered the physical injuries and took the brunt of his abuse, my children were forever traumatized by his actions.
I'd like to step away from being the primary victim in this blog and put emphasis on seeing this through the eyes of a child. I always say I have no regrets in my life, however, if I could change anything about the way I handled my relationship, it would be for the sake of my children. I'm going to tread lightly here because my oldest daughter will most likely read this. The last thing I want to happen is for her to feel embarrassed by anything I write. I'd like to say my oldest daughter is the person that gave me the strength and courage to leave my abuser. I never thought I was strong enough to stand up for myself. After one physical altercation my daughter, she was 12 at the time, put herself in harm's way. She put herself between her father and I. She looked at him and said, "You're not going to hit my mother. Leave her alone". I think it probably shocked him more than me because this was a child that he systematically and emotionally broke down and made feel like she was a nothing. After that incident, I remembered thinking, if my child can stand up to her father and not be afraid, why can't I? I made the decision to leave that night. Although it took me a little while to get my plan together, the decision was made that no matter what, we were leaving for good. So Tish, if you're reading this... I know I've told you before but I love you and thank you for showing me that I could do this. You were such a rock throughout this whole ordeal. So young but so intelligent and brave. {{hugs and kisses}}
My children had to grow up way before their time. I know my babies are still little but I feel like they and I missed out on so much because I let this man take away my mind and body. He took from me the things I needed to care for my kids properly. My kids had a shell of a mother and not the mother they deserved. My daughter deserved to be hugged and kissed. She deserved to have sleepovers and pizza parties. She never got any of those things because I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know what our life was like behind closed doors.
Children suffer so many effects after witnessing family violence. Things such as low self esteem, feelings of loneliness, not fitting in, anxieties and/or feelings of guilt from not being able to stop the violence. We as adults handle stresses in different ways but can you imagine being a vulnerable child and watching your Mommy, the person who is suppose to love you more than anything in this world, being physically and/or verbally abused? The thought is heartbreaking.
My daughter doesn't trust me and feels like I'm incapable of handling my own personal life and relationships with men. She feels like she always has to protect me and her siblings. She never knew what her role was in our family. We don't share hugs and kisses and sometimes can't tell each other our feelings.
My 7 year old son suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and/or ADHD. We don't know which is the case as the symptoms of both run hand in hand. He has a hard time communicating his needs and wants without the use of violence and name calling. He struggles in school and is always seeking approval. He often lashes out and says he wishes he was never a part of our family.
My 5 year old son is the most sensitive of all my children. He cries at the drop of a dime. He always gives kisses and hugs and will tell me every day that he loves me and he's happy I'm his mom. He's very creative and weird (LOL in a good way. Ask any one of my kids and they'll all say he's such a weird little boy). Once in a while he'll make a remark about something he's remembered in the past. Just the other day he asked me, "Mom, do you remember when our dad in New York broke your car?" He was referring to an incident when I tried to leave and their father pulled the battery cables out of the car so we couldn't go anywhere.
My 4 year old son is emotionally detached. He's shy and afraid of everything. If you kiss him, he giggles and I think it's because he doesn't know how to handle emotions such as love and happiness. He's developmentally delayed and is more on the wave length of my youngest daughter. He's timid and very weary of people.
My 3 year old daughter I think is the only one not affected by the violence as she was too young to remember. I left my abuser when she was just an infant. I see her and I see all that is good in this world. She looks at life through the eyes of an innocent 3 year old. She doesn't know violence and has never seen Daddy hit Mommy. She tells everyone that they're beautiful. She wakes up in the morning and tells me how pretty my hair is and how gorgeous I look. So precious and sweet.
As you can see, the effects of witnessing family violence last a very long time. We've been removed from the situation for three years and my children still deal with the memories daily. Instead of using our children as excuses for staying in an abusive relationship we need to make them the number one reason for leaving. Children are helpless no matter what their ages. They look to us to make the right decisions for them. I promise you, the hardest thing to do, is to look into the eyes of a child that you should have protected and see all the damage that's been done because you didn't.
I've asked a very dear friend of mine to contribute to this topic. I've asked her to write something from the eyes of a child who lived through the nightmare of domestic violence. I feel her input will greatly impact many of you that read this blog. Hopefully within the next week I'll be able to share her story with you all.
I'd like to leave you all with the following:
Mark 10:13-16
13 And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.
Proverbs 22:6
6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
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