When I met my ex husband all those years ago, he promised to love, honor and cherish me. He promised to never hurt me. He was my protector...my knight in shining armor. The day I realized those were merely just words was the day I lost trust in men. Of course, years after the fact, I've come to the realization that not all men are the devils spawn and one day God would bless me with someone that is true to his word; someone who would know a beautiful, honest and loving woman when he saw her. He would, by my imagination, be my knight in shining armor. He'd say all the right things and do all the right things. He'd love me unconditionally because he would know that I'm sincere and good. Of course we all know that fantasies like that don't happen in real life. My life story is nothing compared to The Notebook or PS. I Love You. It closely resembles that of Tina Turner (of course, I can't sing, don't have fantastic legs or am wealthy enough to buy myself happiness). It's a train wreck with speed bumps and flat tires. Anyways, I'm veering from the purpose of this blog...
Although I've yet to find my prince charming, I fear that when he finally shows up, I'll feel unworthy of all his goodness. I fear that all those feelings of worthlessness will be there waiting to sabotage the beautiful future that I've been dreaming of. I hesitate to reach out for fear of failure. I fear that good things are always a mirage and as soon as I reach out to take a drink, I'll be drinking sand. Why? If you're told long enough that you don't deserve it, chances are you start to believe that you don't. The mind can be a terrible thing. It can twist your words and harden your heart. It can make you believe things that aren't there. You can tell me a million times that God wants me to be happy. You can tell me that I'm a beautiful person and I deserve all the happiness in the world, BUT his words resonate in my mind as if they're a tattoo on my skin; there and unable to be removed. You're not worthy. No one will ever love you. What man will want you? No man in his right mind would ever be with a woman with 5 kids. You're updateable. You're not the girl a man takes home to mom. Oh, I've heard them all. What are the chances they'd all be wrong? There has to be some truth in there right? They can't all be wrong. Even if I could remove the feelings of unworthiness, who's to say my feelings of inadequacies don't shine like a beacon on a dark night?
I refrain from looking at myself in the mirror because I hate to see the person looking back at me. I don't see a spark of life. I don't see a future of beautiful days. I see sorrow and pain. I see wishful thinking and days that never come. I see a broken and empty soul. A heart shattered into unfixable pieces. It's days like today that I feel so helpless and alone...unappreciated and desperate to be fixed. Oh how I wish all of this would disappear. I'd give all of my worldly possessions, as few as they are, to be just like you. I'd love to enjoy the sunshine with my whole being and not just the exterior. It's very easy to mask your true feelings behind the facade of "happiness". It's easy to smile, but inside feel like you're suffocating. Debbie, just smile and pretend that it doesn't hurt. Pretend like you're as happy as other people want you to be.
I've spent so much time rolling with the punches that I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'd give anything to feel content and free. Free to love the way I want; content to exhale. Being a domestic violence survivor is a heavy burden to carry. The emotional wounds bury themselves deep into the soul of a woman. Survival is an ongoing process. You don't wake up one morning and say, I'm better and this doesn't bother me any longer. It takes time and patience.
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