Chaos

Since I'm snowed in and feeling some kind of way tonight, I need to set the record straight.
 
My actions lead people to believe that I'm some kind of emotionally lost individual. When things bother me, instead of keeping them inside, I let them out. My outlet is writing. In writing about my feelings, certain people look at me as if I'm unstable. They couldn't be further from the truth. I stay inside my mind so much, the only way to sort some of the nonsense out, is to write. I put it all on paper so I can sit back and actually read the words out loud instead of just listening to them inside my head. I'm not weak. I'm not fragile. I'm not crazy...nor am I overly emotional. I'm me. I'm a thinker. I'm analytical. I process, digest and compartmentalize everything. I go into social overload sometimes the chaos that I see in the world disturbs be to a point where I can't file everything quick enough. I become overwhelmed with thoughts. As of late, I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm uneasy and unsettled. Things aren't the way I want them to be. I'm not content. Things have become nonsensical. The buffoonery is so outrageous that I can't do anything but shake my head. I second guess myself. Maybe I WAS raised the wrong way. I don't get life.
 
I don't like nonsense and chaos. I have OCD. I'd rather stay home and deal with MY problems than entertain the utter stupidity that gets shot my way. Lately, my inbox is blown up with men wanting everything from conversation to pictures. There's soooo much, I don't even bother to open the messages because I'm over it all. I've retreated to recesses of my mind and have blocked out everything. I'm not about the kind of life that's out there. It seems like everyone is after some kind of debauchery and old fashioned is a thing of the past. I want what I want... why the hell am I struggling so hard to get it?
 
I want to yell, flag on the play! Personal Foul! Fifteen yard penalty! Jump ball! Something. Anything. Time out. Stop. Put the brakes on. WTF?!?!?

I can't finish my thoughts. I'm just ready to be done with all this foolishness. I know we all have our own definitions of normal but I want MY normal :( 

She's eventually going to get tired and quit.

Praying Empty Prayers

"I shall not lose my faith. When you lean and trust in the Lord, he will lead you down a path of righteousness."

Do you ever think that the Lord is giving you the answer to the question that you ask, however, you fail to see His answer because you're waiting for the answer you want? You pray so much for something but the answers that come back aren't what you feel are right? I have to keep telling myself that God doesn't make mistakes. The answers that He keeps giving me are what's best for me and I keep holding on because I say, No, He's got to be mistaken. That can't be right. Let me pray one more time...but those prayers are answered the same way as the previous 10, 20, 30 times I asked the question. I've come to the agonizing realization that I've turned my back on my faith and relied on me. My testimony...the many tears I've cried in pain, heartache, sorrow and hurt. Each teardrop that runs down my face and hits my pillow is proof as to how unreliable my decisions are.  Waking up with a pain that runs so deep in my chest that I can't do anything but close my eyes and go back to sleep, is my testimony that I'm doing it wrong.

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.”

My soul feels closed and cold. My heart is shallow and broken. Each one of these lonely tears is a lesson to be learned. Trust in God for he shall lead you down a righteous path. If I open my eyes to the Love that God faithfully gives to me, maybe I shall feel wonderful again? He is the only one that will never forsake me.

The "Smile"

Trust isn't ever just given, it's a special gift that one receives once they've proven themselves worthy. In this obstacle course called, "My Life", I find it very hard to pass out my trust...matter of fact, there's a piece of me that doesn't trust at all. Past experiences have taught me to guard my heart. I've perfected the art of "the smile". Even when I'm far from happy, I put "the smile" on my face and give the proverbial, "I'm ok."...that way, no one needs to delve any deeper into my world and know what's really going on. I'm the queen of cryptic status messages...I give just enough so you know something's wrong, but not enough to know exactly who or what caused it. Hell, I can't even tag certain people in my posts or post certain pictures because Lord only knows who will see and what drama will be caused... I've been burned so many times in my life, I'm not even afraid of fire anymore. Disappointment is a fact of life and expectations no longer exist. When you expect nothing, you're never disappointed when you get nothing. I keep, for the majority, my thoughts in my head because, I don't find them to be of any importance to others...so why speak on them? Things always get misconstrued. The truth always gets twisted. It kind of reminds of the telephone game we all played as a child... One person starts out saying one thing and by the time it reaches the end, it's something completely different. Life just continues to sucker punch me... In between this and that, I get a piece of good news but directly after, I'm kicked one more time by something that was completely off my radar. I'm left shaken and rattled, and left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. No sooner do I digest what just happened when I'm hit with something else coming down the pike. It's like a non stop avalanche. One day, I'm not going to be able to duck and dodge the blows. I try my best. I do my best. I live by the golden rule and I feel like I'm penalized for being the "good one"... No one said life would be fair and honestly, I don't expect fair...I feel like I've been dealt a really bad poker hand...I'm just unfortunate enough where I can't trade in my cards for better ones...I play the cards I'm given and pray that they're enough to get me through to the next round...

One day, what I have to offer might be good enough......

Tuesday Night Ramblings

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks about how I've come to be in this particular place I'm at now. I've always viewed life as a hamster maze. I'm the hamster and I've traveled this path of closed doors and dead end streets for the vast majority of my life. Every time I've hit one of these dead ends or closed doors, I always readjust, find a new path and so on and so on. However, depending on the type of closed door, I have a difficult time readjusting. Now is one of those moments. Adjusting to my circumstances and surroundings seems to be an insurmountable task. The woman who always had a backup plan, the woman who never let anything hold her down, is being held down. I feel like a bird with its wings clipped. I find myself to be frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and annoyed.

I dislike when my heart and mind are in a struggle. My heart knows what it wants but my mind knows what I need. I think that's the problem with most people, we let our hearts override our minds. At this given point in time, I'd gladly shoot my heart, lay it to rest and go on with my life heartless. It seems like the heartless ones are those that always come out on top. Maybe if I didn't care so much, I'd be able to brush of the nonsense and move on. Maybe living my life according to the golden rule was a mistake. It's done nothing but make me "weak" in the eyes of  some people. I hate hurting the feelings of others, however, in an attempt to save them from sadness, my feelings get trampled.

The problem isn't that I don't love myself. Deep down inside, I know I'm a beautiful person. I love who I am. I don't want to change me to fit society. The problem is, I get frustrated with NOT having the coping skills to deal with people. I don't tell people no. I don't stick up for myself. I let too many people take advantage of the giving side of me.  It's a shame when one feels like they have to become an uncaring individual in order to get any place in life. I refuse to let the world steal my sparkle. I am who I am and will remain who I am.

Just for one day I'd like save my heart from sadness. I'd like to be the one who walks away with no scars or scratches. But, how does one go about doing that without changing who they are? I bear the weight of 40 years of scars on my mind, body and soul. At any given point in time, it's too much to carry. Right now, it's too much.  

My goal out of life is to just be happy. If I could, for one moment in time, just be happy, everything would have been worth it.  

I'm a Mother. It's what I do.

Feeling like even though I'm doing all the right things, I'm always made out to be the bad guy. I haven't done anything to anyone but still, I'm to blame. I was told that I need to take a long look at myself in the mirror. Well, I did. Do you want to know what I saw? I saw a woman who loves her kids. A woman, who contrary to popular belief, is capable of making good decisions. When no one wanted to help me. When I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads, I did it... alone. I begged. I borrowed. I prayed. But I did it. Those four little kids are who they are because of ME. I did it. I sacrificed. No one else. Me. How dare anyone tell me I'm the mother I am because of money. When I had no money, I was the only person they had. No one was paying me to sit down every night and help them with homework. No one paid me to take them to the doctor. No one paid me to take Nate to football. No one paid me to get Isaiah a speech therapist. No one paid me to help Elijah through his depression. No one paid me hug Jaliyah a little bit tighter the night she was violated. I did it free of charge because I'm a mommy and it's what I do. It's my obligation. I'm a mother. It's who I am. You would think that the news I got would have them rejoicing but alas, it has them lashing out. Nothing is going according to their plan. It all backfired.  All the allegations have been proven unfounded. There's nothing keeping me from getting my babies back. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't party. I don't go to clubs. I cook. I clean. I do homework. I wash clothes. I'm a mother. It's what I do. I don't ask for compensation.  I don't expect compensation. I gave birth to them. They're mine. God blessed me with them because I was the best Mommy for the job. Before you tell me to look in the mirror, remember, when you start pointing fingers, there's one pointing at me but three pointing back at you.
I'll never let you take away my proudest accomplishments. I was a single mother, raising 5 kids on my own. No child support. No father who wanted to be involved. No one... but me. You can insult my character. You can insult my morals and values, but don't you ever insult my capabilities as a mother. You may be able to buy them all the greatest toys. You can make sure they have the coolest clothes and give them allowances for doing their chores...However, you will never buy their affection. At the end of the day, I'm Mommy. They love me because they KNOW who I am and what I've done for them. I wear the name proudly.

I'm a mother. It's what I do.

Time

I've always had the uncanny ability to single handedly dissect and over think any situation that I'm faced with. If you ask me where I get it from, I'll say it's a defense mechanism that "protects" my heart against the forces of evil. The forces of evil being anyone who has the unfortunate luck of knowing me. Yes, I said, unfortunate luck. I seem to wreak mental havoc on unsuspecting victims. Lord only knows how I can look sweet and innocent but pounce like I'm the FBI, CIA and Secret Service all in one seemingly tidy package.  My outlook is that everyone has a motive and it's to hurt me. I guess when I look back at my life I can't blame myself for concocting the notion. My track record speaks for itself. However, I don't want to talk about the past. I'm so tired of talking about all the stupid things that have made me a mental train wreck. Let's talk about now...

I'm sad. Just sad. I cry everyday. I sleep. I sleep because it's an escape from my reality. My reality is these four walls. They trap me in my thoughts. They torture me with what I should have done or could have done but didn't. They make me think. God, I'm so tired of thinking. Just for one day I'd like to take everything at face value. I want to believe that there is good in people. Just when I think I have a handle on things, my mind interferes and beats whatever it is I'm facing into the ground until it looks like hamburger meat. Do you know how hard it is to hear the words, I love you when you feel in your heart you don't deserve it? What does he see that I don't? Why can't I see it?  I feel so abnormal and twisted . I sometimes feel like I'd be better off alone. That way I won't hurt him. Maybe my kids ARE better off where they are. Maybe everyone knows something that I don't. I'm just not seeing it. I'm so tired of being broken hearted. Just one day I don't want to cry. One day, I'd like to wake up and NOT put on my game face. I don't want to have a plan. I want to just...be. I'd never let anyone walk my path. It's a scary place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. "They" say time heals all wounds. What the hell do "they" know? "They" don't live my life. "They" don't see through my eyes. "They" don't love with my heart. "They" don't know me. "They" have no idea what time does for me. Time gives me more time to think. Thinking is what I try to escape. Time is not my friend.

I've learned that the world doesn't stop spinning and time doesn't stop ticking. My greatest fear is that I'm going to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on my life. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my one amazing love because I couldn't truly see him for the wonderful, sweet and absolutely beautiful person that he is. My love. My protector. My provider. My strength. My best friend. My God given solace. The man who keeps my feet on the ground when I want to float away. I'm afraid the longer my kids are gone, they're going to forget me. They're not going to remember. Their innocent little minds will be clouded by what's going on and they'll be happy some place else. Time is not my friend.

I'm being held captive by my thoughts. I'm drowning and no one knows it.



“You never know beforehand what people are capable of, you have to wait, give it time, it's time that rules, time is our gambling partner on the other side of the table and it holds all the cards of the deck in its hand, we have to guess the winning cards of life, our lives.”  
~~José Saramago

Time Has A Way Of Changing Everything

When I was younger, I wasn't necessarily the prettiest, cutest, most fashionable, skinniest or even somewhat popular girl. I remember growing up and listening to my brothers and sister call me names like, "Tons of Fun or Miss Piggy", obviously making reference to my weight. To make matters worse, growing up "poor", Mom and Dad didn't have enough money to buy us new clothes for school. So, in essence, I was the poorly dressed, fat girl in school. I never wore make up or did my hair. Not a great combination. I was only given reference in school because I was my brother's sister. I had one friend and for the majority, spent my "free time" in school, talking to my favorite Criminology teacher. I was never one to get in trouble because in order to get into trouble, one needed to have some type of social life, which I didn't. I always remember thinking I was invisible. I even, at one point, resigned myself to never being married or having kids. Boys never paid me any attention. Back then, fat white girls were NOT the thing. I'm not saying it to diss anyone, just speaking MY truth. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I dressed. I hated everything about my life. I remember day dreaming about the day I'd find my Prince Charming and he wouldn't call me names and he wouldn't care that I was fat. However, reality always had a way of creeping in. The loneliness and solitude were always so unbearable. Who would ever want a girl like me?

Fast forward thirty years later...

It's funny how things change. That lonely fat girl with no hope of ever being noticed, turned into a woman who can't escape the eyes of admirers. I'm not one to pat myself on the back... I don't think I'm better or worse than anyone else. The one thing that kept me enclosed in my own misery is the thing that has made me desirable. Gone are the days of being called "Tons of Fun". The term "Miss Piggy" has been replaced with "Curvy, Thick, Gorgeous, Beautiful, and Stunning".  I have absolutely no problem getting attention. I can walk out of my house wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts and a tank top and have some random person either asking for my number or wanting to give me theirs. However, Lord only knows, I will probably never see what others see when they look at me. I always knew it was going to take a very special man to chip away at my flaws to reveal the woman I really am.

Fast forward to my reality...

All the attention in the world doesn't mean a thing unless it's from the one person who means it. Being pretty is ok but being loved is what I want. I don't need a contact list a mile long because most men see just a pretty face or curves. No one wanted to delve deeper to see who I was on the inside. That once fat girl has turned into a woman who tries to see the glass as half full. She sees the good in everyone, although her eyes may be clouded. She gives her heart to those who appreciate it, loves without boundaries, and wants nothing but someone to understand her in return.

Time has a way of changing everything....